I don’t know anymore how much time precisely has passed.
About six months I guess. I don’t know. I stopped actually counting and writing it on the calendar because… well, not JUST because someone told me I should stop but also because it makes sense. Why friggin’ keep on celebrating it like some horrible holiday?
“Six months since he walked out on us… put us out with the fucking trash.”
Right?
Yeah. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I’m still working hard to try and… forget. I don’t know that I ever will be able to though. Memories are still everywhere. Especially now that Christmas is around the corner, too… been working overtime just… deflecting and diverting the thoughts of him.
Of us.
All the things we did every Christmas.
We had our own little traditions you know? Like putting up our tiny little tree, watching the cats play beneath it. We’d also play some more somber Christmas carols or even sing some together if the mood took us.
Every Christmas Day Eve (or Christmas Eve Eve) we’d curl up together and watch Patrick Stewart’s Christmas Carol. It was our favorite one to watch.
Or the Netflix Christmas animation called “Klaus”. That was a good one too…
I remember going to the Christmas market at night, downtown in front of city hall. Last year he even bought a cup of sipping bone broth whilst I got a cup of hot cider. We sipped and walked down the street, looking at all the stalls. The year before that we’d even ice skated a bit on the rink by city hall.
Yeah so… memories.
I’m particularly going to miss him when I go to my parents’ this Friday for Christmas Eve. Mom already said she wants us to play “that trivia game” again. It was a trivia game we were playing last year whilst we all sat around the table having drinks and snacks. It reminds me the most of J, because of how much he’d complained to everyone in a panic that he wasn’t any good at games and didn’t really want to participate – but we all knew it was just his autistic anxiety speaking. We took care to let him get easy questions that he could answer and then would give him high praise when he’d get it right.
We worked so hard to include him, to make him feel loved. I did that all the time too on my own, when we were here in this apartment together.
Obviously I sit here night after night just wondering, stricken, if he ever thinks of these things like I do. Does he miss me or even think of me? Does he miss the cats?
Is he remembering how cozy our apartment would look when we had the tree lit and the outside lights lit?
Is he remembering how we’d come home and have our own little Christmas party by ourselves after leaving my parents?
Sigh. My heart just… hurts so much still.
I try and try and try to keep covering up the pain with distractions. Visiting my friends, talking to a new guy online who I seem to click with very well but, who could never take his place in a million years…
I cook and clean, take care of my cats. I game. I work. I try to go for walks…
I study my Bible and pray.
More and more though, I find that life is just showing me again and again that we were meant to be together. We were supposed to get married and be united together and worship Christ together. Grow old together.
We had grown to be on so many of the same pages with most things… I just hurt and ache so much lately because how how EVIDENT that is becoming.
I mean just tonight, I was talking to that guy and teaching him about how mainstream nutrition is just the devil, because he’s been having stomach issues and telling me that he “does everything right” and can’t understand why he’s in so much pain. His mind was absolutely blown when I started teaching him the real stuff… stuff that J taught me.
So much stuff I never would have EVER known, had J not come into my life.
All the red-piller stuff with Covid too, and the government and what’s really happening in the world. I remember with great shame, the first year or so that we were together when I dismissed him as a crazy “tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist” and just refused to hear him out. On anything.
Then now, every single thing he used to talk to me about has come true. Everything he taught me… I’m now able to put to use to wake others up and help them to realize these truths also.
I prayed a sad prayer tonight because of it. I thanked God for having brought J into my life, to help open my eyes… to give me all of this knowledge to pass onto those who are also in need of the same awakening.
But my heart just breaks anew, because I’ll never be able to tell J thank you. I’ll never be able to tell him how grateful I am, and how much I love him for CARING enough to teach me.
I’ll never be able to tell him… how much he changed me. How much he did for me, and how much I wish I could repay him for all of that.
The fact remains… he just didn’t want me.
After all of that.
I blame myself too. I fucked it all up. I don’t care how many times he’d been telling me that HE wasn’t good enough for me, that HE had failed me.
No. The truth is, I failed him.
Anyone who goes to their partner and says they failed them… I swear, it really means that the other person had obviously been doing something wrong – or not doing something that they ought to have been doing.
I think back… I wrack my brain struggling to figure out where I could have done better. What I could have said or done to make him feel SO loved, SO secure… that he never would have thought he had to walk away as a “failure”…
I remember always trying to build him up. Telling him how much I loved him, how hot he was, how SMART he was, how funny he was. How much I loved his affectionate side and that we could game together and LAUGH together. Oh God how I miss the way we would laugh together at the stupidest things…
But I remember the fights too.
Those…. damned…. horrible fights that always seemed to happen no matter what. No matter HOW much of a wonderful, loving time we were having, no matter how many times he’d tell me I was the most amazing, beautiful, unique, sexy girl in the world… he could still always turn on me and I had no idea why.
But it wasn’t just his fault. It was my fault for reacting. Honestly, I took so many things too seriously. I took it too much to heart. I should have had more grace and patience. I should have loved him harder, even when he seemed unable to come out of his anger towards me.
Now he’s gone though. Forever probably. I’ll never see his face again, or get to hear his voice again, or talk to him again. So many things I’ve learned these past few months that I’ve felt so desperate to share with him that it’s just brought me to my knees in tears.
How could he leave me? That’s all I wonder in my heart and soul as tears just POUR out of me. I still feel I will never understand. He so obviously still loved me when he left. People try to scare the shit out of me, telling me he definitely had another woman… and who knows? It could be possible. But I always felt his love and attraction to me. It never waned.
I just… feel such crushing defeat when I think that he just tossed me out with the trash after everything we shared. He walked away and didn’t care anymore. I never heard another word from him.
And now… it is almost Christmas. I’m fool enough to sometimes think or wonder about… you know, Christmas miracles and such and such. Perhaps the sheer emotion of the season will infect him so hardcore that he will finally reach out and want to get back together.
But then the pendulum swings back the other way and I remember he could possibly have a new woman who he’s been growing with the past six months. Obviously anyone would just be all enthralled in a new relationship. Why would they ever turn back?
Sigh.
No, I’ll be facing the holidays alone. I’m pretty positive…
I’m preparing to do so in any case. Who know what God will bring my way, though… I doubt it’ll be another man. I’m already clicking and matching up with this new guy in so many ways. It’s actually been uncanny how much we have in common and like about each other.
But that spark… it’s just not there. I realize we just talk online and do voice recordings sometimes but… still. I was attracted and drawn to J from his very first e-mail, before I ever met him, before I even saw a clear PICTURE of him. Before I ever heard his voice. There was just always something there. Some kind of chemistry or alluring characteristic. I could never put my finger on it.
This other guy…. man. I’ve clicked with him in so many more ways and so much faster than I EVER did with J. It took J and I years to find out how much we shared in common really… so you’d think with a guy like this where I discover it all so soon, that I’d be smitten. Head over heels you know?
But no. My heart still resounds to the beat of J’s… wherever he is. Even if he is with another woman. I just can’t help it. I pray for God to take the feeling away, to cut all the spiritual ties.
But it doesn’t seem to have helped. I still dissolve into helpless sob-fests from time to time, remembering him. Dreaming about him. Torturing myself by thinking about how I’ll never have anything to do with him again…
Sometimes I feel like I’ll go mad if I don’t hear his voice again, cooing to the cats or quoting something funny that we used to quote to each other all the time.
Every time I get a phone call from an unknown number, I actually tend to answer them now, wondering if it’s him…
Whenever I see that a spam text has gone to my inbox, I check just to make sure…
I’ve long since given up hearing from him really… but it’s still just a tiny pinprick of hope that stays alive somewhere deep in my heart I guess.
Anyway. This week coming will be… busy. Well, so long as the workload stays steady. I plan to do an extra two hours of work every night that I can… because I’ll be out of work for a good couple of weeks starting Christmas Eve probably. My amazing Bible study friends have of course offered to help me if I’m in need but… I think the Lord has provided enough for me to make it through the holidays at least.
Also I tithed today and the last few tithes I made, yielded MIRACULOUS blessings from the Lord, within a day of tithing. So I’m actually just watching and waiting for it this time because I know it will happen in some form.
I’m wondering if it will even have to do with a new clinic that I MIGHT be a part of putting together. Some doctors and nurses (one of whom is my neighbor from down the hall who got me involved in the first place) are putting the clinic together, and not a one of them does medical reports/transcription. So it’s entirely possible they may soon ask me to help if they start getting reports in. I guess we’ll see where God leads me.
For now I guess I have to go back to just… keeping busy. I’m going to go play some Fallout and just… forget about J as best I can. I’ll try not to think about going to sleep Christmas Eve and wondering who he’ll be opening gifts with the next day.
Or whose lips he’s going to be kissing at the stroke of midnight this NYE.
God… ringing in the new year without him at my side. I just never thought I’d see the day. I can’t believe I’m going to have to do that… Trying so desperately not to cry right now.
Lord Jesus, I will continue to endure. Your faithful servant TRUSTS in Your plan… and will endure and wait on your Will to be done.
Amen.
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