The End.

Okay well… I think this is it. It’s over.
This blog that is.
I thought about it and I think it’s best to just call it quits to be honest.

I started this blog when I started dating J and it’s only fitting that I deactivate it now that he’s gone and I… just can’t bear reading back on any of the memories anyway. I don’t know that I’ll actually DELETE the thing… but I’m pretty sure there’s an option to just deactivate the account. Not sure how long they’ll keep it for me, but I just can’t come here anymore.

Not like anyone even talks to me anyway. I guess this is your last chance. If you’ve been stealthily following my tragic, pathetic story and would like to get in touch with me… well, I guess it’ll be too late very shortly.

Tomorrow is NYE and everyone knows I’m dreading it. I’m also hoping and praying that somehow, even though it could all be in my head, it’ll somehow mark the passing of a lot of the pain I’ve been going through. Maybe just the fact that it’ll be a new year will cause me to just… wake up, and move forward and finally get over him. Maybe nothing will change though and I’ll still be struggling for God knows how long.

In any case, I’m done writing on here. I wish everyone well who’s ever wanted to read what’s happened to me but the truth is I’m more of an insignificant nobody now than I ever was before so it’s not really likely my absence will even be noticed.

Farewell.

Ugh I’m so bored.
Still no work.
I”ve done pretty well keeping busy this long today though… it’s ALMOST 3pm. Normally I’d be done at 4 but… I guess there’s no harm in going downstairs to start making supper an hour early.

I have so much time alone, just in the stillness of the apartment. It’s frightening to me. I know many who would kill for this spare time to do what they want, mostly parents who are constantly harassed by their kids. But for me, it just breaks my heart more and more with every day that passes.

And to think, this is during what is supposed to be a more eventful time, because of the holidays and such! I see a good bit of my Bible group and my family every weekend but… it just isn’t the same. Nothing is going to fix the terrible feeling of being abandoned here, to live alone in the silence where I never would have chosen this for myself. NEVER.

I remember being so happy at home with my parents. It honestly feels like J has just put me in a hole and covered me up to leave me for dead. I realize he didn’t set out to hurt me, he didn’t intend to cause my life so much misery. But he has and he did and I just don’t know how to recover.

The so-called “easy” way out would honestly be to throw myself at any man who shows me a lot of attention and affection. Even if he is old or ugly or just a perv. So long as he thought I was attractive or worth having around, it would be easy enough to use whatever feminine wiles I’ve got left (if any) and just attach myself to him and ride him out towards freedom, like some kind of horse or camel.

Only it would never be freedom. Latching onto another man is anything but that. And anyway, I find I’m just too gun-shy, in fact terrified these days, to do that all over again. I’m so scared of letting my guard down to anyone else and having them just up and leave me, high and dry all over again. I also just can’t let go of J. He dwells in my heart and soul still and I can’t stand it. I sometimes just wish I could have my memories wiped somehow… other times I can’t bear to think of losing even those, because they’re all I have left of him.

I cry over him, missing him, wanting him back so painfully. Then the pendulum swings the other way and I realize in horror that he most likely has another woman and is moving on with her and doesn’t even think of me or our life together anymore – and how FOOLISH I am to be doing that.

I want to get past the terrible pain and yet, because I’m so torn about those things, I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know HOW to move on. I’ve actually at least been trying to talk to other men and see how I get along with them. But inevitably, they all let me down. Even T, the guy I’ve been friends with a couple of months now. Things really started heating up in the last couple of weeks and we were talking basically incessantly. Then the last couple days it has felt like he just cooled down and barely even responds.

That figures. That’s just the pattern that keeps repeating. I’m so tired of the hot and cold to be honest. I’m so done with it. There’s nothing more twisting and crushing than the feeling of being dropped that way; like you were interesting for but a moment, and then they move onto other, better more important things or people.

I feel like no one will ever love me again or want me again the way I THOUGHT J did. He was the one man I’d have taken an oath would never get tired of me, would never and COULD never be without me.

This is the worst possible deception I’ve ever suffered and I really just blame myself for having trusted him so thoroughly.

I don’t know how I’ll ever trust anyone again, and if that’s the case, I’ll never be able to love anyone else again.

NOR do I feel like I’ll be able to survive being single for the rest of my life. Unless God plans on taking me out of this world soon… in which case I guess I just have to keep pushing forward as I have been, until I die soon maybe.

Anyway… I think I’m going to do some research on another blog site. I’m disappointed with how few people contact me or comment here, want to get in touch and DISCUSS my posts like real friends. I need to find a site that has more community sigh.

I’m so tired of loneliness and disappointment and this site has only added to that. I probably won’t be sorry to deactivate it once the new year rolls in. Here’s hoping I find a place where there are people actually interested in hearing what I have to say or what’s going on in my life. Or maybe God is the only one who cares.

Dreading NYE

I watched a movie this evening from start to finish. Such a rarity for me.
Normally I just can’t find any sort of calm within myself to watch TV. All I usually ever watch nowadays is sermons or maybe video game trivia stuff. It’s the only thing that really holds my attention.

It was a good movie though. Even did some weights and leg pilates throughout it which was nice. If only I could make that a habit. Just keep lifting and lifting until I finally have some definition back in my arms and shoulders. Maybe I’ll even get rid of some of the horrible side and back fat that I have…

One line in the movie though, has stuck in my head. The main character says something about how maybe there’s a REASON she can’t move on. She had suffered a tragedy and… well I don’t want to say any spoilers, but I guess in my mind it reminded me of stuff I’ve been saying to friends lately. That what if the reason I can’t get over J is because I’m not SUPPOSED to. I know it’s just yet another unsafe fantasy or delusion my brain is coming up with, to try and seek refuge and comfort from the breakup. But it’s just so hard to shake it off sometimes and divert my thinking.

I get legitimate butterflies in my stomach and sometimes genuine nausea when I think of getting close to another man, or even touching another man. I pray about it and ask the Lord WHY, if He has someone else in mind for me, does He not just please take J out of my memories and my heart? Why can’t he just be gone for good? I mean, it’s been about six months now or longer… this is just nuts. The old me would have probably dated at least four other guys by now. I can’t bring myself to even consider dating ONE, because I’m just sickened by it. I feel like I’d be cheating on my husband. The husband I never had.

Sigh well I guess we were common-law if you think about it but, that’s not really recognized as a marriage by God. At least I don’t think it is.

It’s just so unreal you know? How much I still love him and imagine that somehow, some way God is planning on bringing him back and that for now I just have to keep moving forward, keep doing what I’m doing, getting stronger, more independent, get a better job… etc. That way, if and when he does come back, I’ll be such a better, more secure version of myself. If he doesn’t come back then… well hopefully by then, I will have started to forget about the pain…

It’s just… I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I KNOW everyone would want to tell me stuff like ohhh, it’s just how you feel now, time will change that. Or that everyone says this kinda thing.

No. No, no, no, no.
People just don’t understand. They weren’t there. They didn’t SEE or FEEL what I felt. I remember how when I first fell in love with J, I didn’t want anyone else. Ever again. I SAW the red flags, I SAW his faults. I HATED how he treated me a lot of the time and I HATED our fights so much, as did he.
But still. No matter what happened, there was something that had just slammed shut in my heart and soul that I just knew I’d never be with anyone else. I’d never want anyone else.
Physically, he was all I ever wanted or dreamed about.
Companionably, same thing.
His attitude and a lot of his smug condescension I didn’t appreciate so much, or the way he just could not handle any conflict properly whatsoever, and would only exacerbate it every time…

But I’m telling you. I wish people would just believe me. It just wasn’t in me anymore to think of another man. EVERY single relationship I had in the past, with guys who I got along with way better than with J… I still would always have it in my mind that there could be someone better. I’d daydream or fantasize about other men.

But it never happened with J. He’s just always been the one I wanted since we fell in love. How can it be that he’s been gone so long without ever looking back? I just… can’t get over it. I can’t get over the abandonment. The deceit.
All those years he spent BRAINWASHING me practically, to never leave him or give up on him.
Then he fucking walks out on ME!?

Sigh.

I made the decision earlier that I won’t be going to spend NYE with my family. I just couldn’t bear going there, ringing in the new year at midnight and breaking down in front of everyone. I figure if that’s going to happen, it’s better I do it here, alone…
Or better yet, I’ll dope myself up so well that I won’t even be awake at midnight. I’ll get up in the morning and… it’ll all be over.

So the plan is for me to go over for supper with my Bible group, which to me is a much nicer plan. I”ll stay til about 8 or so, come home, take a shower, maybe game for a bit. If I happen to still be awake at midnight then… I guess I’ll see how I handle it or what God brings into my path. Maybe I’ll have a phone call with a friend or, maybe I’ll find another movie to watch. Maybe I’ll be asleep like I said, who knows.
I could deliberately have a party by myself too. I could have a drink, play some music.

Sigh nah. That would just… kill me probably. To remember all the times J was there at my side, partying along with me.

The next day, NYD, my brother is going to come pick me up around noon so that I can spend the afternoon and evening with my family. We’ll have drinks and supper – and I won’t need to rush back to the cats since I won’t have left them overnight. It just… seems like a much better plan honestly. Less stressful. The only scary part is what will happen at midnight. I guess I should just tell myself over and over that it’ll just strike midnight, nothing will happen. It’ll mark 2022’s coming and that’s all. I’ll force myself not to think about a whole new year starting without J…
I’ll just… keep going as I have been.

I had wondered if I should set resolutions this year though, which is a thing I have never done before. I walk with the Lord now however, and tend to just entrust each day to Him, one by one. But I thought… maybe I could at least plan to like, finally move some stuff around in the apartment. Put some objects into the empty spaces he left behind. Spaces I’ve deliberately kept empty because some part of me has always been convinced that he will still come back. Even now, like I was saying earlier… perhaps the reason I can’t seem to get over him and feel a desire to date someone else is BECAUSE God intends to bring him back so He wants me to stay in love with him?
I don’t know.

I honestly don’t know what I’d even expect. He can’t text me, unless he changes his number, because I have his number blocked. He could totally e-mail me but… would he ever do such a thing?
Certainly he knows where I live because this was his place too. In my WILDEST dreams I imagine him actually driving by… perhaps even sitting at the park nearby, drinking, and then drunkenly reaching out to me to ask if I’d come meet him, because he’s still in love with me and needs to see me.

God, how many times did I go through that in the past with H, my other ex? We were younger then though… and H was very given to inflamed passions and acting on impulse.
J… had also seemed that way, at least throughout our relationship. I suppose this is one reason why it’s been so hard to fathom that he just NEVER looked back. I kept thinking eventually… EVENTUALLY he’d crack and reach out to me. Ask to get back together and get married properly.

Honestly God, when will You wipe him clear from my life? From my heart? How long must I go on this way? Sigh.

Anyway, there hasn’t been any work yet. The loneliness was crushing me so badly today- I was fortunate to get out for a bit with a friend to do some shopping. Tomorrow and the day after though? NOTHING planned. At all. I have to hope that work is back tomorrow, so at least I will have that for a few hours. I might also cook something, since I’ll just be here all evening.

I suppose I could see if my neighbor down the hall would let me come by if I’m going insane with loneliness…

Anyway, I’m not sure yet if I’ll be back to write before NYE. I might just want to avoid writing about this altogether.

Hell, I’ve even given thought to start a whole new blog at the end of this year and deleting this one. I don’t know. I guess I wouldn’t have to delete it but… Starting fresh DOES have its appeal. Sigh. We’ll see I guess.

I survived Christmas. There were a ton of horrible moments where I was either ducked into my mom’s room or the bathroom to cry my heart out, but there were also joyous moments too.

Like when I got my ps5 FINALLY! Holy crap was that ever a surprise. The whole family seemed in on it too, because they had me sitting in the centre chair in the middle of the room and I had no idea why they were all grinning that way. Then my dad went out of the room and came back in with the ps5 and I friggin’ wigged out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha was a really precious moment. One that I’ll never forget… and it’s so like my dad to have planned it as a SURPRISE, you know?
I guess the rest of the family was in on it because they know… how hard it’s been for me. They know how much I was dreading Christmas without J.

It makes me angrier at him you know? That he not only hurt me so badly but, it kinda bleeds into the lives of my family too because they are empathetic to my pain and in a sort of way, shouldering it with me.

Even that amazing feeling faded pretty fast though. Especially when I got home that night and set it up all by my lonesome. I wept knowing that it would have been such an exciting time of bonding for us. We would have set it up together and probably got started on playing a game together.

Actually just now, I was trying out one of the demo games that it comes with and… I had to shut it off before I choked up again. It is a couch co-op that is soooo like the ones he and I always played together. All the Super Mario Bros. games, Mario 3D world, Wooly Yoshi…

It Takes Two…
That was the one we never got to finish before he broke up with me and I just can’t stand thinking about it.

Anyway I turned it off. I’m able to play RDR2 which is the one I had been waiting to replay all this time, once I got the ps5. But those co-op games just hurt too much right now. It sucks too because my online friend who lives in the states (had I decided to call him T or what? I don’t remember lol) he keeps saying we need to connect over Retroarch and play something. It would undoubtedly wind up being one of those games and I’d just cry the whole time probably, thinking about how much I miss my “husband”. I do think of him that way. I do. Even though he’s probably with someone else and devoting himself to her… He’ll always be like a husband who just abandoned me.

I love him and miss him still but he just never looked back. Hurts so much still.

I cried yet again earlier today because… well, I have no work today and it’s just a day to relax and laze around. Do whatever I feel really… I came up with this idea to walk across to the plaza and pick up some sushi.

Problem is… that was OUR sushi place. I know we had a ton of restaurants we ate at together… but this one was special. It was the one we first ate at when we moved in here and were looking for somewhere to go. We celebrated every Valentine’s Day there and birthdays. We’d get drunk and merry, listen to music and then go staggering over there to stuff ourselves since it was AYCE.

Today I just wanted to grab some items a la carte, but I broke down sobbing and felt like I just couldn’t go in there without being knocked down by all the memories. I’m always sitting wondering if he thinks of these things too or not. If he does, and they hurt him just as badly… he has still chosen again and again to just… never come back. Never say a word to me again. No matter the memories we made and what we built up, it was still more worth it to him to leave me behind and that’s that.

In any case, I didn’t wind up going because turns out the restaurant is closed until tomorrow. Hah. Oh well.

Sigh. Christmas was hard… and yet I feel NYE will be harder somehow. Ringing in a new year without him. FACING a new year knowing that I was rejected so brutally and kicked aside. Imagining him kissing a new pair of lips at the stroke of midnight…

It’s like… there’s this silent countdown in my heart and soul, too… where I’m still wondering, hoping, praying that MAYBE he will still get in touch with me? That maybe somehow NYE is THE threshold that he can’t go past? That he’d have to come back because he’s miserable and longing for me?

I’ve had a few of those milestones though. Our anniversary when it passed in October.
Thanksgiving.
Now these holidays have come and gone without a whisper from him.
Why would NYE be any different?

I guess it wouldn’t be. It’s just that I remember how the past few years, every NYE that went by would mark a time of severe downward spiral for him. I’ve had months now to convince myself that getting rid of me had something to do with that depression he’d experience at the start of every year. Like… even though he refused to change anything and told me again and again that he didn’t long for anything, would never be the ambitious sort of guy to want to do anything with his life besides survive day to day… he just wasn’t happy with me either.

He seemed to love me but… now I’m not so sure. Maybe our entire 7 year stint was just… him trying to be normal but always figuring out that it wasn’t making the dark feelings inside of him go away?
Would he even solve that by dating another person? Most people would say no… I sit here convincing myself that he’s got someone else and is finally happy now… but maybe he’s just stayed single like me and is trying to wait on the Lord like me? I don’t know…

Anyway, I’m not even sure what I want to do for NYE. My family certain wants me there… so that I’m not home alone and crushed. But I find going there can be even more triggering sometimes. Plus if I’m here, I can play games until I want to go to sleep. I have MY things, MY creature comforts.

I dunno. I’ll have to think about what I want to do…

If I stay here, there’s not even a friend I could invite over to watch a movie or anything. Not really. My church friends might invite me to THEIR place for supper, but after that it would just be me here doing my own thing. I feel like I’d prefer that to be honest. Just go to sleep before midnight and try to pretend it’s not a big deal… Sigh.

Another thing that’s been bugging me… Where the old me would have been excited to be meeting new men and looking on them as potential new partners, the new me is just completely frightened away. I don’t have a nice figure or body anymore. I definitely will not be motivated by sex anymore because I’ve vowed to abstain until after marriage.

But mostly its just that I still feel my heart belongs to J. That there could never be anyone else. I wonder all the time why God would have things go this way, if he didn’t intend to bring J back to me? If God had someone else in mind for me, wouldn’t He definitely fix it so that J is just gone from my heart and he would instill new desires in me for the man HE has chosen for me?

I bring this up because I got a message on the dating site I use (extremely infrequently). It’s a fairly good looking guy, who lives in the city and who apparently goes to the same church as me even :O I was shocked when I found out. I did reply to his message but… it just got me thinking, “What if we talk and really click? What if he winds up liking me or I wind up liking him? I don’t feel ready to leave J behind. I don’t feel like we even ever had a proper goodbye…”

There’s always this horrible feeling I get, that maybe J really is destined to come back eventually and that I CANNOT go be with anyone else because… imagine the mess that would be. I feel like I did that to myself so many times in the past, I’d be trying to move on with a new guy and then my ex would return. Hell it even happened just when I was falling in love with J! That’s when my horrid, alcoholic ex returned but… fortunately for me, I did NOT want that guy anymore and I knew what a bullet I had dodged.

I don’t feel that way about J though. I feel still, like he’s the man I’m meant to be with. That he made a huge mistake when he left and that he went against God’s wishes for us to somehow find unity together.

But it could be such a huge mistake I’M making too, if say God is trying to show me the path towards a new man and I just reject it because of what *I* want.

This is where I have to pray ceaselessly for God to show me more clearly His guidance, His desires for me… and I must be keen and strong enough to see and follow those directions. Sigh.

Anyway, I might write again if work takes ages to come back up this week. Obviously there’s none today so I just spent the day lazing around, getting chores done, going for a walk. I’m going to do another Zoom meeting tonight with my neighbor down the hall for that “project” she hopes to get off the ground but which I cannot describe here yet.

I’m waiting also to see if my sister might want to come visit tomorrow for lunch. That could be nice. We could eat, watch an old comfort movie that we both love. Spend time with the cats. I’ll have to see what she says though. Something tells me she is going to say no, but… eh.

So yeah no idea what I’ll do Friday for NYE. I’ll pray for God to give me the guidance to know what to do or where to go. Maybe I should stay here and just… learn to get through it alone. Or maybe I’d start getting crazy and fantasizing too hard about him showing up or messaging me or something. God, I’m such an idiot honestly.

Just on a sidenote, I totally went and cried harder than I’d cried in a while over J.
I mean, God knows I’ve still been crying in general… the heartbreak, the heavy feeling of emptiness. The memories.

The weeping is different though; it’s more… usual.
Sad but… not as acute or as torturous as when the pain of the breakup was still fresh.

This crying session just now, was pretty bad and it’s because it just… it was like a blow, really. A trigger.

You see, I’ve been getting closer and closer (in friendship only so far) to this guy online. We’ve been friends for months but have since begun discovering just… SO many things in common. Things that are sort of difficult to HAVE in common in this day and age. I mentioned that in my previous blog post like an hour ago.

Well, one of the things we have in common is music, especially our love of electronic music. When he found out that I am a singer (hobbyist) that once sang in a band, he asked me to sometime, send him a sample of my voice and that maybe he’d even use it in some of the tracks he makes sometimes in FL studio (a program that J used to use as well btw).

Anyhow… not only was I moved because, well… as often as J would compliment my voice, tell me I sang like an angel or whatever, never in seven years had he really requested such a thing. To MAKE MUSIC with my voice. He more wanted to talk about his talents in making music rather than focus on mine. And that was fine I guess. I didn’t much care at the time. But it made me feel… I guess special, that this new friend (T, we’ll call him) actually requested it. Flattered me I suppose.

So here’s what triggered me. I was thinking about all the songs that I can sing fairly well and remembered this one particular Delerium song that I can do pretty well. Damn near identical to the original singer. Well, I turned it on, on YouTube just to get the melody in my head and the feel for the song.

I totally exploded into tears.
I guess I… had forgotten that it was exactly the same song I’d sampled for J, a long time ago when I first showed him my singing voice the first time HE’D asked to hear it.

I remember the night I recorded it, too, alone in my room, feeling just totally drawn to this man, wanting to do anything to seduce him or get him to like me. I remember how long and hard I worked to record this PERFECT, pristine sample of my singing.
I remember also he hadn’t really… reacted as well as I’d thought. I mean I think he sent a heart emoji and was like, “Your voice!!” or something. But it was like…. I dunno, understated?
That could just be my then-vanity speaking.

I don’t feel that way now of course. So much about me has changed. In fact, I wasn’t even really feeling up to sending T a sample of my voice because… as I said, I don’t really… feel that way about him. The desire to do things like that to impress a guy just don’t exist anymore.

I guess because… my heart still belongs to J. I feel sometimes that it will ALWAYS belong to him.

So yeah it just crushed me to pieces, remembering all those years ago, sending him that little snippet. And how he didn’t even react as well as I’d hoped but still I remember how much I wanted to be with him. Part of the crushing feeling tonight was me thinking that he probably doesn’t even REMEMBER the event. How often we would fight and argue, because of his memory problems…
He could barely even remember where we’d met the first night we met up and I’d get SO offended and butthurt about it. I’d fall into such a melancholy state, thinking to myself that I was trying to build a life with someone whose memory issues was like… someone sweeping away our footprints behind us as we walked along.
I’d sit and reminisce about this night or that event and he’d be like, “What? I have no memory of that”. Then he’d even sometimes accuse me of making stuff up just to take advantage of his memory problems.
?
Like… why in the Hell would I do that when ALL I wanted was harmony between us!? All I wanted was a life in LOVE with him.

He did gaslight me all the time that way. He did. He’d project onto me too whenever he did it…

I wonder why even remembering that stuff doesn’t cause me to be glad that we’re broken up.

I wonder how and why I still love him and most likely will never be ABLE to love anyone else.

I think all the time about how much I’d love to write him a letter. Send an e-mail expressing all of these thoughts… But I know I’d be too chickenshit to hear back from him. I know he’d probably just tell me to move on, because he has already. He’d probably even deliberately tell me if he had a new girlfriend or whatever, in an effort to just… make me go away.
Not because he hates me or wants to hurt me but… because of how adamant he was that we couldn’t be together. He’d probably think it would be for the best to just sever the bond forever – and certainly it probably would do so, if I were to somehow find out he was with someone else.

People sometimes tell me I could just send him an e-mail, getting everything off of my chest and just block his account afterwards so he COULDN’T respond.

I would rather tell him at the end of the message to please not respond. Not UNLESS he wanted to get back together, get married etc. Which I know most likely would never be the case.

Ugh… either way, even if I blocked him, I know myself too well. I KNOW I would then have created a new stressor for myself, sitting and wondering, “Hm I wonder if he ever got my e-mail. I wonder what he perhaps wrote back to me that I did not receive because I blocked him.”

Wondering, always wondering.

Then again, I suppose I’m doing that anyway, regardless of having sent an email or not. Sigh.

I wonder if I should. If someday I’ll end up losing my head and writing to him, telling him everything I still feel and probably always will feel.

I still prefer to think that if it were God’s will for him to be in my life, he’d be here right now. God would move Heaven and Earth themselves to have us be together if it was written in His plan for my life.

That J is still gone and has never said a word… that silence speaks volumes. Honestly it does.

No, I can’t write to him. I have to choose the Lord. I obey and love and praise the Lord for all He’s done in my life since the break-up. He truly has blessed me in so many other ways. Yet here I sit like King David, grieving over Absalom, his son, not even focusing or glancing up to all of his faithful men who stood by him and fought for him.
It’s totally like me, sitting here, poring over the broken pieces of my heart that J left behind… instead of focusing on my wonderful friends, my cats, my family, all the tremendous comfort and luxury I still live in despite being well below the poverty line.

I have to choose God – and leave J behind.
If God sees fit to reunite us someday… I trust that He will.

For now I have to wipe the tears from my face and keep going, in the name of Jesus Christ.

Enduring.

I don’t know anymore how much time precisely has passed.
About six months I guess. I don’t know. I stopped actually counting and writing it on the calendar because… well, not JUST because someone told me I should stop but also because it makes sense. Why friggin’ keep on celebrating it like some horrible holiday?
“Six months since he walked out on us… put us out with the fucking trash.”

Right?
Yeah. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I’m still working hard to try and… forget. I don’t know that I ever will be able to though. Memories are still everywhere. Especially now that Christmas is around the corner, too… been working overtime just… deflecting and diverting the thoughts of him.
Of us.
All the things we did every Christmas.
We had our own little traditions you know? Like putting up our tiny little tree, watching the cats play beneath it. We’d also play some more somber Christmas carols or even sing some together if the mood took us.

Every Christmas Day Eve (or Christmas Eve Eve) we’d curl up together and watch Patrick Stewart’s Christmas Carol. It was our favorite one to watch.
Or the Netflix Christmas animation called “Klaus”. That was a good one too…

I remember going to the Christmas market at night, downtown in front of city hall. Last year he even bought a cup of sipping bone broth whilst I got a cup of hot cider. We sipped and walked down the street, looking at all the stalls. The year before that we’d even ice skated a bit on the rink by city hall.

Yeah so… memories.
I’m particularly going to miss him when I go to my parents’ this Friday for Christmas Eve. Mom already said she wants us to play “that trivia game” again. It was a trivia game we were playing last year whilst we all sat around the table having drinks and snacks. It reminds me the most of J, because of how much he’d complained to everyone in a panic that he wasn’t any good at games and didn’t really want to participate – but we all knew it was just his autistic anxiety speaking. We took care to let him get easy questions that he could answer and then would give him high praise when he’d get it right.
We worked so hard to include him, to make him feel loved. I did that all the time too on my own, when we were here in this apartment together.

Obviously I sit here night after night just wondering, stricken, if he ever thinks of these things like I do. Does he miss me or even think of me? Does he miss the cats?
Is he remembering how cozy our apartment would look when we had the tree lit and the outside lights lit?
Is he remembering how we’d come home and have our own little Christmas party by ourselves after leaving my parents?

Sigh. My heart just… hurts so much still.
I try and try and try to keep covering up the pain with distractions. Visiting my friends, talking to a new guy online who I seem to click with very well but, who could never take his place in a million years…
I cook and clean, take care of my cats. I game. I work. I try to go for walks…
I study my Bible and pray.

More and more though, I find that life is just showing me again and again that we were meant to be together. We were supposed to get married and be united together and worship Christ together. Grow old together.
We had grown to be on so many of the same pages with most things… I just hurt and ache so much lately because how how EVIDENT that is becoming.
I mean just tonight, I was talking to that guy and teaching him about how mainstream nutrition is just the devil, because he’s been having stomach issues and telling me that he “does everything right” and can’t understand why he’s in so much pain. His mind was absolutely blown when I started teaching him the real stuff… stuff that J taught me.
So much stuff I never would have EVER known, had J not come into my life.

All the red-piller stuff with Covid too, and the government and what’s really happening in the world. I remember with great shame, the first year or so that we were together when I dismissed him as a crazy “tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorist” and just refused to hear him out. On anything.
Then now, every single thing he used to talk to me about has come true. Everything he taught me… I’m now able to put to use to wake others up and help them to realize these truths also.

I prayed a sad prayer tonight because of it. I thanked God for having brought J into my life, to help open my eyes… to give me all of this knowledge to pass onto those who are also in need of the same awakening.

But my heart just breaks anew, because I’ll never be able to tell J thank you. I’ll never be able to tell him how grateful I am, and how much I love him for CARING enough to teach me.
I’ll never be able to tell him… how much he changed me. How much he did for me, and how much I wish I could repay him for all of that.

The fact remains… he just didn’t want me.
After all of that.
I blame myself too. I fucked it all up. I don’t care how many times he’d been telling me that HE wasn’t good enough for me, that HE had failed me.

No. The truth is, I failed him.
Anyone who goes to their partner and says they failed them… I swear, it really means that the other person had obviously been doing something wrong – or not doing something that they ought to have been doing.
I think back… I wrack my brain struggling to figure out where I could have done better. What I could have said or done to make him feel SO loved, SO secure… that he never would have thought he had to walk away as a “failure”…

I remember always trying to build him up. Telling him how much I loved him, how hot he was, how SMART he was, how funny he was. How much I loved his affectionate side and that we could game together and LAUGH together. Oh God how I miss the way we would laugh together at the stupidest things…

But I remember the fights too.
Those…. damned…. horrible fights that always seemed to happen no matter what. No matter HOW much of a wonderful, loving time we were having, no matter how many times he’d tell me I was the most amazing, beautiful, unique, sexy girl in the world… he could still always turn on me and I had no idea why.

But it wasn’t just his fault. It was my fault for reacting. Honestly, I took so many things too seriously. I took it too much to heart. I should have had more grace and patience. I should have loved him harder, even when he seemed unable to come out of his anger towards me.

Now he’s gone though. Forever probably. I’ll never see his face again, or get to hear his voice again, or talk to him again. So many things I’ve learned these past few months that I’ve felt so desperate to share with him that it’s just brought me to my knees in tears.

How could he leave me? That’s all I wonder in my heart and soul as tears just POUR out of me. I still feel I will never understand. He so obviously still loved me when he left. People try to scare the shit out of me, telling me he definitely had another woman… and who knows? It could be possible. But I always felt his love and attraction to me. It never waned.
I just… feel such crushing defeat when I think that he just tossed me out with the trash after everything we shared. He walked away and didn’t care anymore. I never heard another word from him.

And now… it is almost Christmas. I’m fool enough to sometimes think or wonder about… you know, Christmas miracles and such and such. Perhaps the sheer emotion of the season will infect him so hardcore that he will finally reach out and want to get back together.

But then the pendulum swings back the other way and I remember he could possibly have a new woman who he’s been growing with the past six months. Obviously anyone would just be all enthralled in a new relationship. Why would they ever turn back?

Sigh.

No, I’ll be facing the holidays alone. I’m pretty positive…
I’m preparing to do so in any case. Who know what God will bring my way, though… I doubt it’ll be another man. I’m already clicking and matching up with this new guy in so many ways. It’s actually been uncanny how much we have in common and like about each other.

But that spark… it’s just not there. I realize we just talk online and do voice recordings sometimes but… still. I was attracted and drawn to J from his very first e-mail, before I ever met him, before I even saw a clear PICTURE of him. Before I ever heard his voice. There was just always something there. Some kind of chemistry or alluring characteristic. I could never put my finger on it.

This other guy…. man. I’ve clicked with him in so many more ways and so much faster than I EVER did with J. It took J and I years to find out how much we shared in common really… so you’d think with a guy like this where I discover it all so soon, that I’d be smitten. Head over heels you know?

But no. My heart still resounds to the beat of J’s… wherever he is. Even if he is with another woman. I just can’t help it. I pray for God to take the feeling away, to cut all the spiritual ties.
But it doesn’t seem to have helped. I still dissolve into helpless sob-fests from time to time, remembering him. Dreaming about him. Torturing myself by thinking about how I’ll never have anything to do with him again…

Sometimes I feel like I’ll go mad if I don’t hear his voice again, cooing to the cats or quoting something funny that we used to quote to each other all the time.

Every time I get a phone call from an unknown number, I actually tend to answer them now, wondering if it’s him…

Whenever I see that a spam text has gone to my inbox, I check just to make sure…

I’ve long since given up hearing from him really… but it’s still just a tiny pinprick of hope that stays alive somewhere deep in my heart I guess.

Anyway. This week coming will be… busy. Well, so long as the workload stays steady. I plan to do an extra two hours of work every night that I can… because I’ll be out of work for a good couple of weeks starting Christmas Eve probably. My amazing Bible study friends have of course offered to help me if I’m in need but… I think the Lord has provided enough for me to make it through the holidays at least.

Also I tithed today and the last few tithes I made, yielded MIRACULOUS blessings from the Lord, within a day of tithing. So I’m actually just watching and waiting for it this time because I know it will happen in some form.

I’m wondering if it will even have to do with a new clinic that I MIGHT be a part of putting together. Some doctors and nurses (one of whom is my neighbor from down the hall who got me involved in the first place) are putting the clinic together, and not a one of them does medical reports/transcription. So it’s entirely possible they may soon ask me to help if they start getting reports in. I guess we’ll see where God leads me.

For now I guess I have to go back to just… keeping busy. I’m going to go play some Fallout and just… forget about J as best I can. I’ll try not to think about going to sleep Christmas Eve and wondering who he’ll be opening gifts with the next day.
Or whose lips he’s going to be kissing at the stroke of midnight this NYE.

God… ringing in the new year without him at my side. I just never thought I’d see the day. I can’t believe I’m going to have to do that… Trying so desperately not to cry right now.

Lord Jesus, I will continue to endure. Your faithful servant TRUSTS in Your plan… and will endure and wait on your Will to be done.

Amen.

No Joy.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel joy again.

My grief is shifting like I’ve been saying, to that of really deep, grinding depression. I never used to understand other depressed people who just wanted to sleep all the time, because for me, I was more of a ‘wired’ depressive who had to be doing something to kill the sorrow; going out drinking or clubbing or being with friends. Having lots of sex. Playing video games or watching movies.

Now… because I have nothing that makes me ‘feel good’ like those things used to, I’m left with very little to really do. Sleep has been difficult for me most of my adult life due to insomnia, body aches or whatnot but… even despite these things, I honestly find myself just wanting to crawl into bed most days and nights. I don’t feel like doing anything, EVER. When the days basically feel like you’re dragging your face against the pavement from dawn until dusk… I guess it drains you. No kidding it’ll be like 8 o’clock at night and I’m already feeling like I just want to take a shower, take a sedative and crawl under the covers to escape. It’s honestly… horrible. It’s like me breaking my own heart, over and over again really.

I just went for a walk outside. I shouldn’t really be doing so, because of my bad knee. It’s exactly how I got it worse last year the orthopedist told me; walking on all the uneven, uncertain ground and tensing all the while. I just couldn’t help it though. I had been sitting and crying in my living room for ages and had to get out. Of course getting outside didn’t help much though. I started crying again when I saw the Christmas lights and thought of how much I’m dreading going through the holidays without J. I again wondered who he’s going to be kissing at midnight this New Year’s Eve while I sit nursing a drink probably and wishing I could just die in my sleep. Then I hate myself for how much I’ve allowed this man to hurt my life and destroy who I was, especially if he’s just dumped me out with the trash to go and be with someone else. Someone like that honestly wouldn’t deserve my love and loyalty… and yet he still has my heart. I know this. I’ve tried talking to other guys, even just as friends and I feel sick to my stomach when I think of someone else taking his place. Hugging or touching me etc.

In any case, no guy has stuck around. I’ve talked to a few in the last couple months and it never lasts. They inevitably get bored of me or tired of waiting around. Or perhaps its just my sadness pushing everyone away from me, which isn’t surprising. I’ve always heard it said that only once you get better and happier do you seem attractive to other men – and that’s why a lot of times when you’re happy IN a relationship, the men start coming out of the woodworks and you think, “Why now and not when I was single and desperate for the attention??”.

I cried some more when I remembered how just last year, he and I walked around in the snowy cold almost right around this time, to deliver little invitations to our church for the Christmas service. I remember thinking how sweet it was that he actually agreed to help me… because at that point he certainly was not really into church or the Lord. He only did it to help ME I guess and I loved him for it. Now I walk in circles around this neighborhood, remembering all the times he was with me, doing the same walk.

I actually tried to treat myself tonight too, eh. I ordered some take-out for the first time in MONTHS. I had checked my account and found that I had a bit extra… because I’ve been doing such a good job saving and I’ve had so many wonderful people blessing me with meals and other ways of helping. So my dad’s voice was echoing in my head, telling me that I still need to treat myself once in a while so I’m not just living like a prisoner. I decided to order some Chinese.

That also made me cry though, sigh. It was from a favorite restaurant J and I used to order from a lot. Even the meal I got just… sent me spiraling backwards into the past, because I could just picture me dishing up the food and us sitting down to watch Star Wars Rebels while we ate, or Star Trek TNG. Together, side by side on the couch. Him forgetting to bring me a drink after getting one for himself; me usually having to add butter to his rice because of his keto diet. So many little… things we had together. Intimacies. My life is just so empty and devoid without them. I enjoyed the food WHILE I was eating it I guess. I asked God to bless the food and gave thanks.

I made it to about ten minutes after eating where I was doing okay. Then I just… fell. Collapsed inward. Couldn’t stop crying. All the delicious food just soured up in my stomach. All I could think was that instead of making me cheer up or feel a little better, I felt worse. My brain… it’s like it’s punishing me, telling me no, you’re not allowed to experience good feelings right now! Not when someone you loved and thought you’d be with forever has just walked out, rejected you, ABANDONED you to the wolves.

So I just cried more and feel so hopeless.

Coming up here to vent about it hasn’t helped much either. I’ll probably just surrender and go play my game since it’s the only time I can unwind and just… be distracted. I might make some tea as well, to try and calm my now soured stomach. Sigh. But truly I do feel like all the joy has gone out of my life. No scraps left, not even a wrapper. It’s just gone, all gone and I don’t know if it’ll ever come back.

Hello Bitterness… I didn’t hear you come in.

The water is out here again.
This time accidental however, and it will be overnight.
I was pretty upset after work when I went to open the faucet in the kitchen and found there was no water to be had. There was just enough of a trickle left for me to fill my Brita jug and that was it. Asking around revealed that a water main has burst a few blocks over and that water is out for about 500+ customers.
Sucks to be us.

I didn’t worry at first and was keeping watch on the updates. Then I read that the repairs are going to be so immense that they need a good 12 hours to complete them and that the water would be out through the night.

Sigh.

Well, last time this happened it was the city running some kind of back flow test. We were notified a good day earlier and so I had time to fill up my bathtub and some buckets of water etc.

This time? No preparation whatsoever. I was lucky enough to have filled the jug in the fridge and the cat’s bowl. Plus there’s still that one flush left in the toilet…
I almost convinced my dad to come and pick me up for the night, but then my friends who live closeby offered to bring over some vessels of water. I figured that would be the best bet, seeing as how it’d be a huge waste of gas just to go all the way to my parents’, basically to have use of their toilet and shower… and then have to rush home in the morning.

God BLESS my amazing friends who always come to my rescue. Truly He has blessed me by bringing them into my life. They drove over immediately with one giant metal bucket of water to keep by the toilet for flushing… and another potful of water for drinking. I was just so happy to see them, to have them help me.

However, it wasn’t long afterward that the bitterness began to set in. I guess it was about the time I was lugging that heavy bucket of water up the steep set of stairs that lead to my bathroom which is unfortunately on the second floor. I had to lift it up one step at a time, straining all the while. It was a workout in itself but I was actually lucky it didn’t make my knee even worse. My knee and tailbone have been in bad shape the last two weeks or so – I’ve basically been hobbling around like an old witch crone.

All of this on top of all else just got me thinking… how could J just walk out and fucking abandon me to all of this?
Every single trial that I face… it’s like it causes me to feel more teeth-grinding bitterness towards him. Sometimes I wonder if he were to actually finally show back up in my life, wanting me back, would I even want HIM back after he’d left me to endure all of this on my own?

Honestly, since he’s left I’ve had to deal with water outages, the busted heater, financial difficulties, difficulties with the cats, tremendous difficulties with my health. Having to depend on others to drive me places, help me out with food etc.

I sat there tonight on the couch just imagining him all cozy up at his parents’ place… reading the beautiful study Bible I gifted him before he left me. Playing the guitar that we LET him keep, even though it belonged to my sister. Not having to worry about bills or paying for shit all, because he’s staying with family who would never charge him.

I know I ought not to assume… but I can’t help it. I just feel like he tossed me out with the trash and didn’t give a shit what troubles I might face going forward. I guess he didn’t care. He couldn’t afford to care because that would mean taking the attention off of himself and HIS life.

I’ve been listening to a lot of psychotherapy videos about Avoidant attachment style people. I had never even heard of this term before, but the more I hear about it, the more it’s like SPOT ON for J. It makes so much sense … but the bad thing about it is, not only do they rarely come back, but it’s likely he never even loved me in the first place.

They say that these types CAN come back, but that it takes an immensely long period of time for them to miss you. For them to realize that this great, relieving break-up wasn’t what they thought it would be and that now they realize their mistake.

I dunno though. Maybe that isn’t the case with J. Maybe he really truly is processing everything properly and moving on. You’d think I’d be happy about that but, I’m still not. I feel like the slight bitterness I’ve felt this evening is just the start of what it’ll eventually lapse into.
I feel like eventually I’ll just hate him and everything he stood for. I won’t cry over our sweet memories anymore but rather I’ll wish I could rip them to pieces in my mind and throw them in his face.

Seven years.

Seven FUCKING years of my life, wasted on him.

I think of the person I was back then, how fit I was, in great health, lots of energy and zeal. I had friends and dreams and passions…

When I was hobbling outside earlier, all bent over and broken, I thought about how unrecognizable I would be to my past self. So overweight. Ugly. Body in pieces. No hopes and dreams anymore.
No nothing.

All I really ever do with my life now is scrape by…
I keep busy so that the hours pass, and that’s about it.

That’s where I’m at now, too.

I clenched my jaw with bitterness earlier, as I was “bathing” before bed, basically scrubbing myself all over with baby wipes. I grit my teeth with more bitterness as I poured some of the bucket of water into the toilet to flush it.
I’m going to bed very shortly… and praying the water will be back on in the morning.

I just… I keep wondering how he could just do this. Just wash his hands so completely of me. And the cats. How do people do it? I can’t even imagine doing that to someone. I can’t.

It honestly does make me wonder what I WOULD do, if he did come back. Would I be so angry at him at that point that I’d just not respond? Or would I lash out and tell him to fuck right off?

I wonder if I’d still love him. I wonder if… I’d still take him back. I honestly can’t say anymore. I guess this is an important turning point in this breakup then. I mean, we’re getting close to Christmas and I’ve been crying a lot over that, forcing myself not to think about all the happy memories of things we always did together at Christmas. I wonder all the time if he’s going to be going skating with some new girl, buying gifts for some new girl, kissing some new girl on New Year’s Eve at midnight…

If that’s the case then I guess it’s a good thing if I hate him by then. I’ll be lonely, all by myself and feeling like I’m just going to die alone, but at least I won’t be longing to have him back.

Anyway, I guess I’ll just call it a night and go to bed. Tomorrow my friend K is supposed to visit. I really don’t want anything to go wrong. If the water is still off I’ll just have to tell him to make sure he uses the toilet when we go to the mall LOL
I’ll probably be a little gross… because I’ll have showered with baby wipes and whatnot. But I’ve looked so forward to his visit that I don’t want to let that get in the way. After all it’s not like I stink THAT bad, heh… I’ll put on some extra perfume and hairspray or something I dunno.

But chances are, the water will be restored in the morning anyway and there won’t be anything to worry about.

All these trials though that I’m facing alone. I guess I really am getting stronger though. I can feel it. I can feel myself being able to HANDLE more…

I wonder if eventually I’ll just be okay on my own. I know it happened before so…. it’s possible it could happen again. It’s just that the last time I made it to that sort of contented independence, the loneliness and longing for a man is what ruined it all. That’s when I met J and was just so enthralled by him, and by the idea of being with him.

I wonder if God will bring me someone else or… if this is just it. If I’ll find that contentment being single and He will keep me there…

God still works miracles today

I was the answer to someone else’s prayers today.

God used me to do something really wonderful for someone else and honestly, it was pretty much like a miracle.

The last two weeks, this cat had been basically living in my backyard. I had seen the cat around for weeks, months in fact, all over our parking lot and running around everywhere with a collar. I, and the other tenants, had just assumed someone new had moved in and was letting their cat out. But the last two weeks he had been spending more and more time in my backyard until eventually I found him one day actually sleeping in the “kitta house” outside. The one that J had built as a project for my two cats (I won’t say ‘our’ anymore) and has real roof shingles for its roof, plexiglass see-through front window, even a shelf inside so both cats COULD be in there if they wanted. It also has heat and AC although, I unplugged it months ago because I didn’t exactly trust it since all the circuitry was exposed outside for ages… didn’t want to risk anything sparking and perhaps starting a fire. Obviously he isn’t here anymore to assure me if the damned thing is safe to use or not.

Anyway so imagine my surprise when one morning last week I found the cat sleeping in there lol. Like, whaaaa? I was caught between thinking it was cute and being mildly outraged because … the house is for MY cats! I didn’t need some strange cat laying claim to territory that wasn’t his. As the temperature began dropping rapidly since last week however, I didn’t have the heart to make him leave. When I started seeing him there every day however and how tired and ragged he seemed, of course I took pity on him and started feeding him.

Well, you know what they say will happen when you feed an animal. It’ll pretty much never leave. It became quite a burden on my heart though because while I love cats and could never suffer one to freeze/starve outside, the fact remains that I AM pretty poor and can only just afford to feed my own cats. I fortunately had my friend donate some food to me for the cat once she found out what was going on and she even kindly lent me a huge cage to try and trap him. You see, the Humane Society were being a bunch of useless idiots, refusing to take the cat unless it was caged and refusing to even HELP me with this task… When I would question them what would happen to the cat if they didn’t even want to assist me, they’d just basically say to leave it alone. Leave it outside to starve, freeze and die pretty much. Honestly, I’m going to leave them such a scathing comment on Google I think lol
Or not. Depends on how angry/vindictive I’m feeling tomorrow, if at all. I might just decide to sigh and forget about it.

Because trust me, I tried and tried and tried every trick in the book to get this cat caged and nothing worked. It got to the point where I was just about to give up and just let him stay as long as he wanted – though I would have to stop feeding him. At that point I guess I would have just hoped he’d stop waiting around and go elsewhere, once he realized the food was no longer forthcoming.

Then yesterday, after a frustrating event where I DID manage to get the cat caged, called the Humane Society to come and pick him up – only to have the cat somehow burst out of the cage and run off about SIXTY seconds before they arrived…
… I had been huffing and puffing with frustration, crying even because I was all like, WHY ME, LORD? Why when I have so much other stress happening, He have to DUMP this problem on me to fix? Of all the other neighbors here, I definitely am NOT the only cat owner around who would look after him!

Anyway so after that incident and that frustrated angry crying session on the couch, almost minutes later in fact, I got a phone call. It was a guy telling me he saw the post I’d made on Facebook about a stray cat being in my yard. He said he couldn’t be sure, but that it looked very much like his cat who had gone missing. He told me about the collar it was wearing, and the time it had gone missing. It all seemed to fit – that plus I sent him photos and a video of the cat, and he said it definitely seemed like his cat.

The amazing thing? This guy lives almost 2 hours away. No kidding. I even said to him with a sinking heart that it couldn’t possibly be his cat that got all the way over here… but he then told me that he had heard there were jerks going around, picking up peoples’ cats and driving them far out of town. You know… just to be assholes.

Anyway, we agreed that the next day (today), if the cat was in my yard again, he would drive over once he could and at least confirm if his suspicious were correct and that it was his cat. He told me that his son had basically been grieving for the cat since August. So sad.

So today, you should have seen the ball of absolute stress and tension I was, logged out of work around lunchtime and sitting waiting for this guy to arrive. The cat was in my yard alright and had steadily been sleeping in the kitta house. Once the guy got here, we attempted to get him into the carrier but, he again broke loose! We were in such a panic and despair, chasing the cat around the parking lot. Some of the neighbors were even trying to help because no doubt they were watching us run around like madmen, after this cat. I felt so heartbroken and upset because I thought no no no noooo way could I let this guy leave without the cat after he’d driven almost 2 hours. Not only that, I didn’t want to have to go on looking after the cat, feeling terrible that it has to stay outside freezing in the snow, scrambling to feed it what I could…

He said he would go sit in his car for a while, in Visitors Parking while I went inside and did a few chores. Honestly, like two minutes after I came inside, the cat returned to my yard. I immediately put out some tuna which he ate and then I waited with a beating heart and bated breath, to see if he would go back into the kitta house.
He did.
Long story short (uh, well from this point at least), the guy came back and we managed to roll the cat in a towel and TORPEDO him into the carrier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I can’t even begin to tell you…. how much my heart was pounding. How exhilarated and excited and FULL of adrenaline I was. I daresay the other guy was too – we high-fived and I told him how happy I was that he was taking his baby home.

I wanted to click my heels together when I watched them drive away and I went back to my unit where my backyard was mine again, and my cats’. Later on, the guy texted me saying that the cat was happy to be home, was already purring and getting belly rubs. I can’t even think of how happy and thrilled his kids probably were. The cat had been missing since the summertime!!! No doubt they had given up hope of ever seeing him again. He told me his daughter kept going on about how it was a Christmas miracle.

He kept thanking me over and over, telling me how sweet and kind I was to have done all of this. To have taken such care of the cat and gone to ALL this effort and trouble just to get him back to them. I mean, we did spend the afternoon together pretty much tackling this situation … I don’t know a lot of other people who would have done it I guess… most would probably have ignored the cat or been too busy. Or just gotten someone else to take it.

So that’s when it occurred to me that it had been a miracle of God. That He used me to reunite this cat with its family. That I had been an answer to THEIR prayers, but also the situation had been an answer to mine. I had been praying all along for God to change something; to show me where I could serve. To bring me even a distraction from my own grief. God did all of this and more, and really helped me to see that truly, He wants us to connect with others who are going through situations and problems that WE ourselves went through. Because as you can imagine, I definitely sympathized with the guy and what he was feeling, since Sayuri had gone missing last year…
I still remember the horrible, crushing despair J and I both felt. How we mourned and cried together over her, worrying we would never get her back. Imagining all the horrible things that could have happened to her. It really did feel like such a MIRACLE when God brought her back to us.

This is where I also started seeing parallels… though I don’t really dare to hope that any will come true.
But this cat… missing since around the same time J left me?
Then he gets reunited with his loved ones?
Obviously I… couldn’t help thinking, if God could do that… couldn’t He reunite J and I, now, after the same amount of time? He’s been missing from my life, just like that cat had been missing from his family’s life. I also saw how determined I was, all the prayer and work I put into this, and God answered.

Hah! And I even see now, as I’m writing this, that this is why all my attempts to cage the cat and get him to the Humane Society were thwarted — because God KNEW He was going to use me to get the cat back to his family instead. God’s plan WAS so much better than anything I wanted to happen!

Praise the Lord! It really is a miracle. I’m so happy that I was able to serve. I did ask earlier too, for God to point me to the next task, now that this one is complete. Sigh. Such good timing too, because I had been despairing that I’d still have this cat situation on my mind and heart, when I volunteered to cook the main course for our baby fellowship supper tomorrow. Just me and 3 other ladies, but still. Now you see? God fixed it so that I can just concentrate fully on work tomorrow and then doing a good job with the supper. I decided to make simmered stewed pork with jasmine rice. The pork I made tonight after all of that was said and done about the cat… I can pack it up tomorrow and make the rice fresh to bring over. It’ll be great – and think of this amazing story I’ll have to tell at the supper table right?

Anyway… so yeah, trying to just ride the high of faith and Holy Spirit this has given me. So tremendously happy for the cat (Willie) to be back with his family. I keep picturing the kids crowding around the cat, thrilled to have their baby back sigh, like how I was when God brought Saya back to me. I was on my KNEES in praise for so long after that – and I definitely will be again tonight.

But I can’t help thinking of course, at the end of all this… See how thrilled, exhilarated I was just with a cat and family reunion.
Imagine if… God really were to bring J back.
Imagine how that would feel. Sometimes I think the force of emotion I’d feel would be enough to kill me, or at least make me pass out, heh.

I don’t want to get my hopes up though. No matter how much I still miss, love and long for him… I just can’t anymore. I know I have to let go somehow, even though it still destroys me bit by bit, especially thinking that he threw ME away and never looked back =(

Anyway… I’ll try to focus on the lesson God taught me today with the cat. I’ll be on the lookout for my next task which will hopefully strengthen my joy and faith even more.

Why even want them back?

I was watching another of those “Power of No Contact” videos just now. It’s pretty much just before bedtime… I guess when I watch then depends on my mood. I find that they can boost my confidence quite a bit sometimes because I get reminded of the fact that I pretty much did the right thing by not chasing after someone who didn’t want to be with me, and I gave him a chance to experience the break-up that he supposedly wanted, gave him time to miss me etc.

I get that they say these things mostly on the assumption that the ex will likely come back… but they also state plainly that this does not always happen in every situation. They just say that in their experience of seeing it in tens of thousands of NC situations, its usually likely.

Anyway, so I tend to feel better about being apart from him in this manner because I think about what the alternative would have been like… actually still talking to him and texting with him from time to time, feeling TORTURED that he’d left and wasn’t coming back. Honestly, I know that what he most likely wanted was to remain friends after a fashion but… after living with him, being engaged and supposed to get married, I just don’t see how I could have survived that. It’s like … I’d be talking to him but he’d always be out of reach. Plus, I wouldn’t have been able to stomach hearing about his new life, new friends, new stuff that obviously meant so much more to him than being my spouse. =\ No, I just wouldn’t have been able to survive like that.

Although, what I’m doing now is pretty much just surviving too. Until I can somehow find things to be happy and joyous about, that’s all I really do each day. I survive to the next one. I’m lucky and blessed if I have one thing a day that makes me feel content if not happy. Or if I have some moments of peace where I’m not panicking or weeping over him.

Anyhow, so… I’m just about to go shower, take my sleeping pill and just close off yet another day. But I watched that one video and decided to scroll down to the comments, which is something I usually do because I find such a sense of community and catharsis amongst all the other lonely “dumpees” who are going through Hell missing their ex. This one guy had commented basically that he didn’t want his ex back at all because she dumped him when he really needed her to fight life’s battles with him.
I almost teared up honestly, reading that. It struck a chord with me especially because there’s been so much other shit going on in the world and he basically abandoned me to face it all alone. I can’t believe he would and could do that.
It’s one of the many things that tortures my mind, driving me mad each day… wondering if HE even thinks about it that way – that he abandoned me and left me to die. He seriously never stuck around to see if I could even afford living on my own – wouldn’t even wait to make sure I didn’t wind up on the street or if I could go on feeding the cats.

I’ve had to face so many trials with health, things breaking down in the apartment, dealing with certain people, handling difficult tasks or errands.
He just… he fucked off and left and obviously didn’t care.

Sometimes I wonder if I could be wrong about that. I wonder if my dad has been lying to me all along, and that he and J have kept in touch from the very start, because J wanted to receive updates on how I was doing etc.

I’d obviously be furious if that was the case. I’d be so angry at my father for going behind my back that way – but also because it would have been interfering all along with this whole NC thing. I mean, if J was getting his “fix” by talking to my dad all along, no wonder he’s been able to stay away all this time without a word right?
I mean, it did always boggle my mind that he of all people could maintain this silence this long. I never pegged him as someone who could last even a few days, let alone MONTHS… So sometimes I wonder if that’s what has happened.
I guess I’ll never know.

But getting back to my original point, reading that comment just made me feel as though…. WHY can’t I just reach that point? Why can’t I just get the sense knocked into me, that J LEFT ME. He walked out on me and abandoned me. Those are not qualities anyone would want in a life partner that you’re supposed to depend on through thick and thin. Then my friends also remind me that he was always abandoning me during our fights, too. He’d just leave and ghost me for a few days instead of handling the problem. They remind me too that even if he did go off and find another girl, he’d be screwing her over with the same issues as well, at the first sign of any conflict. And with J, who was one of the most stubborn, difficult people I’d ever met, there would surely be conflict most definitely. I don’t mean to sound awful, but I really did feel for years that I put up with SO MUCH from that guy, that no other woman I’d ever heard of, would put up with.

But I can’t know. Maybe there really was a woman more suited to him, who could put up with so much more than I could, even if she gave him a lot less. Maybe all he wanted was to find someone he could have a baby with, since I was always focused on making sure things were right between us, right financially, right emotionally before making such a commitment. Maybe he just didn’t want to care or think about that stuff to be safe; maybe he wanted an empty-headed bimbo who only knows how to lie on her back and get pregnant. Maybe was just… too responsible for him in that regard. Maybe he wanted the challenge of having to think of everything and take care of everything – which is funny because when he was with me, I always felt I had to micromanage everything because he’d never get it done.

Gah. I don’t know. As I keep saying, I’ll probably never know his fate. Just as he’ll never know mine, and I do have moments sometimes where I wish I could just become this really amazing person that he missed out on, you know? I wish I could become a computer whiz like he was, so that I wouldn’t need anyone like him anymore to explain or do stuff for me. I wish I could drop a ton of weight and feel pretty and glamorous again. I wish I could do more for others and become a known part of a great community of people who do for the Lord and for others. But would I want all of that simply to make him hurt when he sees what he lost? Or would I want that stuff just to make myself feel better? I have no idea. It’s just a feeling I get sometimes… that I wish I could just do so much better in life and at least have something to feel glad about.

Getting a great new job is the next step obviously. It’ll be a huge change, a huge challenge… I haven’t even fixed up my resume yet either ugh. Maybe I’ll make a note of doing that tomorrow no matter what.

Sigh. I wish I didn’t still love and miss him so much. I wonder if he knows? Like I said, I have no way of knowing if he’s stalking me somehow, whether through a microphone or computer, or the surveillance camera. Or maybe a key logger? Maybe some kind of spy ware? Maybe he even keeps an eye on this blog for all I know, though he never really cared to know of its existence before.

Chances are he isn’t though. I’m sure he’s moved on. He has way more of a chance to move on and get over me than I do of getting over him – because of living here in our apartment etc. Still having all the memories, the cats, etc.

I wonder if eventually I’ll just realize, like that guy on YouTube, that this guy totally gave me up, he threw me under the bus when I needed him the most. Why should I even want him back?

It doesn’t make sense in my brain or my heart really.