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No work today, yee-haw?

I really shouldn’t rejoice. God knows I begged, pleaded, cried, despaired over not having a job last year for about EIGHT months straight…
But is it my fault that right when I finally got the financial aid granted to me for my panic disorder, that’s when I happen to get accepted to do some work for this company? It’s terrible but, it almost felt like, well thanks guys but, now I don’t even NEED you to employ me?
Horrible. Horrible way of thinking.
I actually love my job you know, and I love having something to do that helps others and gives me a bit of money. And the truth remains that I wouldn’t be able to survive on the sole income from JUST one or the other; the job or the financial aid. I do need both.

But today, it was hard not to rejoice when my supervisor sent out an e-mail saying that their system was down and that she’d update us when it came back up. Lol who doesn’t love a good day off work or school? 😛

My job keeps me from the worst of the day’s loneliness though. As much as I hate being chained to the desk for hours at a time, it occupies my mind and gives me something to do. Oh well, I just took the opportunity to do other stuff that needed doing, like the vacuuming and the dishes and sweeping. I also would have scrubbed the bathroom if we weren’t out of spray. I did a few little crafty things, like taping a beautiful manga picture to my new mini hard-drive. You know, shit you did back in highschool to mark objects as yours and make them more personalized 😛

I DID also cheat my fast again by one hour and wound up sitting down to eat breakfast at 11 rather than 12 noon. I figured one hour wasn’t too bad, plus I know already that tomorrow I won’t be eating until noon for sure since I’m meeting my Besty at the plaza. My way of repaying him for the movie. That and yesterday night after supper I had a terrible stomach thing where basically everything fled my body that I’d eaten and left me feeling so hollow and empty from about 7pm. I’d say that contributes to the fast lol

It was pretty nice actually, sitting there enjoying my food while watching, FINALLY, the season 4 finale of Gotham. I’d been saving it for some kind of special occasion haha. Not sure why. I never watch it when bf is around because he talks too much and is distracting. I also haven’t been watching it whilst on the treadmill because the episodes are too long. So it was perfect to watch this morning when I had no work to hurry back to.

Truth be told, I was expecting the system to have come back up by now… but in half an hour my shift is over, lol. That’ll be that. I just know boss lady is gonna be begging us all to put in extra hours now to make up for all of the work we lost today… but it’s not MY fault the system went down! Why should I sacrifice my days off, tomorrow and Saturday!?
Ugh… but I know, I know. That’s no way to be. I’ll probably try to actually squeeze in a couple of hours on Saturday, perhaps even tomorrow, depending on how the day goes.

Maybe I’ll get back from being out with Besty and I’ll be desperate for something to distract myself with. Normally I turn to video games though haha – which I also did today after breakfast when no e-mail came saying that there was work. As it stands now, I’ve done all of the bigger chores that needed doing. I’m thawing a big lump of frozen chicken quarters that I stupidly left to freeze and get stuck together. I only ever need two of them, three at the most but now I have to leave the bag sitting in warm water for awhile until I can pry them apart. I plan on roasting them in the oven and also roasting a separate pan of sliced, oiled and seasoned sweet potatoes. A recipe my sister gave me because I LOVE it every time she makes them at her place.

So that’ll keep me busy for awhile, getting it set up and then waiting on it to cook in the oven. I decided to do another stint on the treadmill too, while it all cooks. I’ll throw on another episode of… something, and just walk for another half hour. After all, I normally get out for a second walk every day anyhow. Just late I haven’t been able to stand getting out and walking all by my lonesome. It’s terrible.

Oh, that brings me to something else I should really do today, which is get back onto the Meetup.com website and see about finding some friends. Honestly, if I can just find ONE person who’s willing to meet for coffee or walks even once a week, I’d be satisfied with that. The rest of the time we can just text or talk on the phone or something. Why’s it so damned hard to meet people after a certain age?? Ugh. I had hoped that by now, I’d have even met some people to talk to on here, WP. I made so many friends on here before, when I had my old account. The one I had to delete. I wonder why no one comments or reads or participates anymore… : \

Hm, I should probably take those Before and After pictures too of myself. I could swear I did before at some point, but that wasn’t when I was fasting, going on the treadmill or trying to eat better. Really want to see if after a month even, there’s a slight difference or anything at all.

You know, something I forgot to mention before when I went to see Aquaman with Besty Tuesday night…
When we sat down together in our seats, who should walk right past us – like LITERALLY past us in the same row, brushing against our knees – but my building manager and his wife. Two people who I see EVERY day and talk to very often. The funny thing was that at first, I didn’t think anything of it! Heck, I almost called out to say hi and wave at them. Then I realized why Besty mentioned it so cautiously and even seemed to shrink down into his chair.
I was there with HIM and not my bf! lol

Funny that he should have that reaction of wanting to hide and I didn’t eh? I guess that goes to show you how innocent my intentions are, and how to me it’s just I’m out hanging with a friend. I’ve had dozens and dozens of male friends since I was 16 and I’d go out everywhere, all over the place with them! I’m sure people must’ve thought I was dating some of them when I wasn’t. But yeah, I’m sure that’s what Besty was worried about – and I guess that was kind of sweet of him to do so, because I mean the only reason he would care is because he wouldn’t want ME to wind up being the subject of gossip. God knows it happened around here before.

I thought about it afterwards though, and how even though they’d passed RIGHT in front of us they hadn’t said hello. That to me says that they probably did wonder if I was out cheating on my bf or something and wanted to avoid a potentially awkward scene :S But then again, there’s been tons of times one or the other of them saw me getting out of Besty’s car at the front of the building, or getting into it. Hopefully they just know that he’s a friend of mine and we were hanging out. Shrug.

Alright well… it’s now ten minutes to 3 which means work is almost over lol System never came back up so… oh well :S I can just bet later on tonight I’ll get bombarded with e-mails, begging me to work but like I said, isn’t my fault this happened and I shouldn’t have to deviate from my routine for them. Sticking in some extra hours Saturday will be enough.

For now I better go see if I can now pry apart the chicken quarters lol and maybe prep them for roasting, too.

States of being

I’m realizing a lot lately that my life consists of either three states of well-being:
The first is when I’m just living in a total repetitive, boring, HAZE here in my apartment, with bf. I wake up, do my morning routine, do my job and after work comes the only part of the day which might be slightly different from the previous, because I’ll either cook dinner or I won’t, I’ll either go out walking/shopping or I won’t, and I guess really whatever I have for dinner is usually the one biggest difference each day – no wonder I look so forward to it the way other people look forward to bigger, more important events. After dinner is almost always the same routine with the after supper tidy-up, a few hours of gaming or else TV, then feed the cats, shower and bed. Occasionally I might read or blog like I’m doing now, before bed.
But yeah, add in some random sex once in awhile, or the occasional take-away dinner or trip to the mall or movies… that basically sums up my day to day life here. Sometimes I feel like I’m just so stuck in this monotonous haze that it’s almost impossible to get out of it, too. One time my Besty asked me to go out for wings with him and a few of his buddies on a Thursday night. It would have been JUST the perfect outing for me since I already know most of them so there’s not a lot of social anxiety, it was taking place in the evening when I didn’t have to work, and lastly, I totally love wings! But you see, I get so stuck in my little world of agoraphobia and routine that I start shaking internally and thinking, But… he wants to go out tonight? That’s about the time when bf and I will be eating and watching our daily episode of whatever; and then afterwards I have to clean up and I was looking forward to doing that one mission in Dragon Age…

See? NONE of those things really matter or are important, and they are certainly easy to set aside for one night. But that’s what a day to day life of being a hermit, completely dependent on routine in order to stay sane, does to you.
One good thing about my recent fights with bf is that I totally broke through my routine and was going out all evening for a good number of days; like yesterday when I was gone to the movies with Besty. Sure it felt strange and frightening to be out and doing stuff when normally I’m just “safe” here in my apartment… but it was so good for me. I really should keep it up and it’s exactly what I hope to have happen if I can only make some new friends around here.

Anyway, that brings me to the second state of being though, which is obviously when I’m fighting or not getting along with bf. When that’s going on, my boring haze of an existence gets turned completely upside down with grief and depression. We don’t speak, there’s a horrible tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife, and I’m just all around miserable. At those times I actually find myself longing for the boring routine days to come back – but lo and behold, as soon as they are back and bf and I have made up and started getting along again, then I go back to hating my life and wondering all the time how I got here…how I could have done this to myself…

The last state that I experience is much less common because it only happens when I go over to my parents (at my sister’s house) AND it’s dependent on how well they are getting along too. My parents have been at each others’ throats ever since they sold our family house and moved in with my sister, so it hasn’t been easy to gauge whenever things are gonna go to shit if I visit them. There are times when they pick me up for the weekend and are already sniping at each other in the car – and I ALWAYS sigh and think, Fuck, here we go, weekend is gonna suck donkey balls.
But I’m more talking about when they are harmonious with one another, we all are in fact, and I FINALLY experience some real, pure happiness and joy just being in their presence. I love those times, like last weekend, when we just get a nice special dinner after they pick me up, watch a good movie while eating it, sometimes have after dinner drinks or a nice dessert. We chat and make jokes and just shoot the breeze so easily. There are no ugly outbursts or hateful silences or anything like that. I feel so joyful there and at peace that I always cry and wish I could just die there like that, because I can’t think of any better place or time to do so.

Boy, after typing that and really feeling it, I so wish I could have been going to be with them this Friday night like usual. But nope, I’ve got my sleep study this Friday; that’s something that’ll definitely be a break into my usual routine. I haven’t really let it sink in yet that bf is going to be dropping me off and leaving me there to sleep in a strange place all night, all alone. I really hope that I’ll be okay… I don’t mean to sound like a total infant or anything, but I do tend to have scary things happen to me at night. I get horrible bouts of stomach issues in the middle of the night, or I get that scary aspiration problem where I wake up gasping and choking. God forbid I should have a nightmare while I’m there, ugh… apparently they’ll be monitoring me visually while I sleep as well as audibly; can you imagine if I woke up screaming or grunting weirdly from a nightmare, hahahaha… Well, I bet the nurse who’s going to be looking after me is really accustomed to that kind of thing. After all, her job is to watch people sleep! I was telling my sister how embarrassing and anxiety-inducing it’s going to be in the morning when they wake me at 6:30 ugh… by default I don’t do well with early mornings. I tend to panic really badly in fact, so I’m hoping that’s not going to happen. I know it’s a huge no-no, but I may even have to bring my flask with me lol obviously I won’t be drinking BEFORE the test, but what’s the harm in taking a sip when I wake up, if I feel panicked? I mean, they’ll already have all the readings they need from me so… yeah.
I dunno though.
Just have to really try hard, be brave, do my best, yata yata…

Anyways… today was one of the laggy routine days I talked about first. Got up, hopped on the treadmill, changed and worked my shift. Didn’t even bother doing shit all after that, which was bad. It was a completely lazy day where I basically sat the entire time. Sat for work, after work sat and played Dragon Age because I just didn’t feel like doing anything else. Went out EVER so briefly with bf to T&T, so we could grab some food and come back home. Sat my butt on the couch then to eat and watch TV. Then as soon as dinner was over I turned on my game right away.
Well, we went upstairs to play with the cats for a bit, maybe a half hour, but that was it. Then I gamed for another few hours straight without moving or getting up once.

I told myself that if it’s just once in awhile, it’s okay, but really if I want my dieting and jogging on the treadmill to start working, I really have to make more of an effort to be more mobile the rest of the day too! Not to mention I ate a bit of junk this afternoon while I was bumming around gaming. Way too much sugar and then potato chips on top of that, plus dinner. I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll do some cooking after work, AND go for a walk before that if I can. It’s a bit loathesome going for walks lately, because I’ve said how lonely I find them and I just get down on myself even more when I’m walking in all that silence, wishing I had someone at my side to keep me company. I’m sure that’s a huge reason why I end up staying home and just gaming; because it distracts me from my thoughts whereas when I’m out there walking, there’s nothing. All the traffic and stores around me don’t distract nearly enough and I end up way too much in my own head.

Well, I am supposed to meet up with Besty on Friday; I’m the one who asked him out to lunch because he was so kind to treat me to the movie AND dinner last night, again! I swear, he does this on purpose every time we go to the movies haha. I know he makes like a gazillion times more than I do and probably this is his justification for it but… still. I do feel bad and so I told him lunch was on me once we got together. I was thinking of even asking if he wants to meet tomorrow instead of Friday but… nah. It’ll probably do me well to get out for a bit since I’ll undoubtedly be worrying that whole day about my sleep study that evening. Sigh.
Gah it’s just something that I have to get through. Before I know it, it’ll be over so fast and I’ll wonder why I was even worried about it.

I’m trying to think that way about my upcoming cruise to Italy and Spain (Mediterranean). I mean I KNOW once the trip time arrives, I’ll be scared to death and my panic disorder will be creating all sorts of imaginary, HORRIBLE scenarios in my head. Those damned ‘what ifs’ you know? But then I started daydreaming about being on the ship like I said and pulling into a beautiful Italian harbour. I just know it’ll be a trip of a lifetime and I have to keep telling myself that I am so excited and cannot wait for it. I know it’s true; it’s just those feelings are buried down under my stupid anxiety feelings.

OMG okay, that’s more than enough screen time for one day. If I don’t force myself to get out of the house tomorrow, I may just have to force myself to at least get my ass on the treadmill a second time. I go in the mornings yes, but a second little bit after work couldn’t hurt. I plan on doing roasted chicken and potatoes in the oven anyway, which takes awhile. Plenty of time to pop on a movie or something and just walk as long as I can…

For now I’m pretty sleepy. I’m going to read my few pages of my book and then zz…

Here we go again.

So we just can’t get along anymore for more than a few minutes at a time it seems. For fuck’s sake, even in bed, where men are usually very compliant and agreeable (because they’ll do and say anything to get sex) he’s still an argumentative, arrogant asshole.

We fought again last night and I really looked at myself, at my shaking hands and throat raw from screaming and eyes red from crying, and I realized how much this relationship is – or has – destroyed me. I HATE who I am with him; I truly do. I used to think something similar back when I was with my ex, but that was a glorious paradisal holiday compared to this toxic mess! Honestly, it never ends, and almost every time we engage and converse, there’s a 99% chance it will SOMEHOW turn into an argument, or at BEST a heated discussion. It makes me shake, truly. My hands tremble all the time now because I’m just so scared to be around him. I hope no one will mistake that for me being afraid of HIM, because he’s so spindly and pathetic and ridiculous, God knows I could knock him out with one punch if I really wanted to.
But I’m always terrified of the tension and the horrible atmosphere. It’s no wonder the amount of time we spend talking has been more than halved over the last year. I just remain silent and waiting most of the time and can’t stand whatever he does want to talk about.

Last night though, it came to me that even if I still find him beautiful and sexy, and even if he does give me massages and make my life easier and won’t ever leave me… I have to leave him. I’m not sure when, but it definitely has to happen at some point or else I am afraid I will end up killing him! That’s not a threat; it’s just a legitimate concern because he literally drives me clean out of my senses and rational mind when he’s been provoking me and winding me up all day. It’s like I completely snap and go temporarily insane! It’s actually a thing, too, which I discovered not too long ago. It’s called “reactive anger” and it’s something psychopaths like him very often use to gain power or control over someone else. I don’t want to call myself a victim per se, but definitely this is what he does to me so often that I fear it is now causing me to become unhinged. People do all sorts of terrible things in those situations; I’m sure a great many have gone to prison and faced wayyyy worse lives than they ever could have imagined, because they had a terrible abuser doing this to them for so long that they just snapped.

I do not want that to happen. I’m even wondering if I should talk to my counselor about it and see what she says – although when you go to counseling, the first thing they tell you is that if they detect any sort of intent to harm yourself or someone else, they are within rights to call the proper authorities. Next thing you know, I’ll have the police at my door stating they heard I was threatening or wanting to kill him, or something.

I think I should mention it to someone though; perhaps my dad. My dad is so good and strong and keeps wishing we could just be happy together, bf and I. But the more I talk to him about bf’s behavior and attitude, the more he chuckles in a sad way that tells me perhaps he is realizing slowly, that it’s never going to work out. I hope he shares what I tell him with my mom, too and that they both meditate on it and can come to terms with the fact that I’ll most likely end up leaving here someday.

The worst part is that bf will not even shed a tear when I leave. He’s told me so many times, even just a few days ago, that he wouldn’t be sorry to see me go, or miss me, or try to get me to stay. He tells me that shit is “all from Hollywood” and that he believes in reality and would just accept and shrug if I left.

Gee, thanks…?

He really knows how to make a woman feel so unwanted, unnecessary and worthless. It’s no wonder he won’t make changes while he has me here; if he doesn’t give a shit if I leave, what’s the point of it all?

Anyway, he actually slept in the bed with me last night which is strange. Sometimes I am convinced HE is more unhinged than I am, actually, because his behavior is just so erratic and unpredictable. We didn’t touch or lie close to each other but he was still there. In the morning he said hello to me, and when I didn’t reply, he said he was leaving for work now. I didn’t reply to that either. It wasn’t that I was trying to be petty; it’s as I’ve been saying for awhile now: I simply don’t know what to say to him anymore. I suppose I should have just said, OK. Might as well. Not like anything else is going to come of it if I say nothing – or say worse.

I’ve been finished work for a little over an hour. I put on makeup and some nicer clothes than usual, plus earrings and a necklace. My new little ‘Key to Erebor’ necklace that I ordered for a few bucks, but love as though it were priceless hah. Such a nerd. The reason I’m dressed up is Besty and I are going to the movies. He isn’t slated to pick me up until just before 6… but I’m thinking I may (have to) venture out as early as 5pm. Lately bf has been getting off at 5 and once again, my plan is to just be gone when he gets home so that I don’t have to face him. That to me is NOT petty behavior either, because in these situations it’s actually recommended that you avoid one another if you’re afraid of impending arguments. So yeah… I’m not sure where I’ll go. I’ll bundle up and walk around the neighborhood at first, just for exercise. Then I guess I could sit in the coffee shop like last time, reading on my phone. Really, it’ll only end up being a half hour or so that I need to kill. We’re going to have dinner at the theatre too, because it’s in the VIP lounge. Can order right from our seats and I’m planning on having a double martini as well. Costly but… whatever. I just find I don’t care anymore about really being careful about money or where and when I spend it. I have so few occasions of happiness and fun times; I might as well spend in case I’m not even around to experience the next one.

I was able to put aside a LOT of cash today though, to give to my father once he tells me the final price of the BIG trip we’re going on this summer. Despite that, I still have some savings hidden away in my room here. Now I’ll be more and more diligent about adding more to the pile I guess, to build it up again slowly.

Well, the movie starts at 6:30, but really it ends up being more like 6:45 with all the previews. It’s also 2 hours, give or take, so I won’t be home until about 9ish or shortly thereafter. I suppose that’s late enough… sigh. As before, I’ll still have to face bf once I get home… but hopefully this time, he will just stay in the office at his computer and leave me be. I’ll just put my things away, head to the shower and probably read in bed. I’d like to sit and game but, I do have library books i need to get to. Don’t have them forever.
I wonder if this time he will come upstairs and try to talk to me though. I’m actually EXPECTING it this time, because of what I told him last week, about how he needs to approach me and talk about things if he wants peace between us. Funny thing is though, now when I feel like he will come talk to me is when I wish he wouldn’t. I know I’ll be tired and feeling anxious and defeated when I walk in the door. I wish he could just not be here for tonight, so I could just have a nice hot shower and relax instead of immediately stepping into a world of tension 😦

Anyway, it’s only 4:21. I guess I’ll dick around on the computer for a bit. Then I’ll get ready and leave like I planned… I’ll message Besty to let him know too.

I just… sigh… I just wish this would stop. I wish I’d never spoken to this guy to begin with or I wish my parents hadn’t sold the house so that I could have moved out of here a long time ago. I wish so many things that I know can’t happen. Please just let something good happen soon 😦

The trip from my bucket list

Man.
I just gave my dad the okay to book me on a trip this summer. It’s one of my bucket list trips mind you, but it’s going to run me… a pretty penny to say the least. I guess I’m not as well off as I thought! Because now I’m going to have to be really careful about what I spend again. Granted, I’ve got the extra money coming in but, I’ll have to pull out more of it and save it now instead of spending it all. That’s fine though; I figure I’ll give my dad the cash next time I see him, just so I’m all paid up for this trip. Then I can stop worrying about it.
That’s just how I am; once I fork out the money for something and it’s gone, I can breathe a sigh of relief and just focus on saving again.

I’m scared that something will happen though, and I won’t end up being able to go. ANYTHING can happen, right? Especially since all of my health issues are so bad as of late. My parents are both fit as fiddles compared to me, even being 30 odd years older than me. It’s sad really… but so yeah, I just hope when the time comes my panic disorder doesn’t get the best of me and I can still go!

Anyway, other than that jolt of panic/dread/excitement when dad called me, the day has been relatively… blah. I got up and did my treadmill which was good, made it to my noon meal and haven’t done too badly there. Went out for close to a half hour walk even in the cold. Other than that and work however, nothing’s really gone on.

My sister and Mom love to ask me, “What is it that you’d like to have happen?”
I can never answer them… because I never really know.
Even now, waiting for bf to come home in about ten minutes… in my heart, I know I want “SOMETHING” from that event; from my supposed lover coming through the door and greeting me. Bf does even come up to kiss me and hug me and tell me nice things, like how pretty or sexy I am. He has okayed us going out to a store after supper today when I asked. We’re going to eat and watch an episode of a show we follow, which is always nice I guess.

But still, there’s this dark hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me it’s still all wrong. It isn’t what I want.

I’m actually beginning to suspect that it’s just how jaded and bitter I’ve become; all these old hurts and betrayals that have heaped up, one upon the other until I’m just crushed beneath them. I just don’t seem able to enjoy anything anymore; there’s always SOME way it can be better or be improved.
I can’t enjoy bf coming to kiss me hello after work, holding me lovingly, gazing at me with his pretty face and blue eyes. All I see is… this horrid person who in the blink of an eye can turn on me, start criticizing something important to me or insulting or belittling me. That’s all I ever see and feel when I’m around him, like I’m walking on eggshells until the next big blow out.

Then there’s the idea of love which for me has become so twisted and fucked up out of shape that I weep about it so often. Because while I SO long for love and to be loved properly, I know that I’m so jaded and tainted I could never really be with anyone again properly. Even if I were to break up with bf now and be single for years in an effort to feel cleansed again, I don’t think I could ever get back the OLD me, the old feelings I had of being passionate about love, about finding someone right for me. I know that at this age and with all that’s wrong with me, I’d wind up settling. And if I’m going to do that, I should just settle right here I suppose.

I’m annoyed all the time though, that even when things are going okay between us, I’ll remember something that hurts me, like how he will never marry me for instance. Never, never, never. Not even out of love because he says that can’t happen anymore and that he simply cannot risk getting married because of how the law today targets men ruthlessly. He told me even if I WANTED to divorce him peacefully and not take a cent of his money, the law would enforce it.

He’s full of shit though, because honestly if that were to happen, why can’t I just give the money back to him in case, under the table? If that’s all he’s really worried about, there are ways around it. Either he really doesn’t want to come out and say that he distrusts me that much and worries I’d fuck him over royally… or he just doesn’t love me enough to want to get married.
I’m more inclined to believe the latter, because of all the terrible fights we’ve had. I mean from his point of view, he’s never even done anything wrong to me. So he probably just sees me as this horrid, demanding, monster of a woman who’s hit him across the face so many times and who thinks he’s a piece of shit.
He can never understand how much he destroyed my trust and therefore, my soul, and that I never recovered from that. He’ll never understand that I was never able to look at him the same way – but that I WANTED it to be him. I wanted him to be the one I could finally trust and love and settle down with and not have any regrets.

Anyway… jeez. I so need someone to talk to. Too bad my counselor is too damned chatty; I would love a chance to just vent all of this before the clock runs out with her.

So yeah, I feel depressed and antsy, like I’d dearly love for the evening to go a certain way, but because I don’t know myself what I want, the evening will just go the way it always does; in mostly silence, resignation and sighs of bitterness. I actually am hoping he just leaves me alone while he cooks his dinner. Mine is already made, so I just need to go down and heat it up once he’s ready to eat. I could just sit up here in the bedroom with my cat and stare out the window until the light disappears. Not sure what else to do when I feel this way.

That’s another thing I’m paranoid about with the trip I’m supposed to go on this summer. What if my depression and panic just get so bad that I can’t control it and wind up ruining my time? Ugh okay I won’t go there. It’s at least four months away so I have until then to just forget it’s even happening sigh.

I wonder if by then, I’ll be in better health though, and perhaps have lost some weight. That would be really awesome. I can imagine standing by the railing of the ship as we sail into Italy omg… it would be a dream come true, and even lovelier an image if I can be wearing a beautiful dress that could flutter in the breeze or whatnot haha. Dramatic and picturesque but, that’s always how I imagined such a trip.

Anyway… well, bf has walked in the door now. I suppose I will go and do some dinner prep and just… try to talk to him. Usually I just avoid him until we’re sitting down to eat, in case a fight starts – because literally it can start up at ANY second with him – but I’ll just try and hope for the best.

My little piece of heaven

I’m so exhausted.
Last night for whatever reason, I had this HORRIBLE pain in my shoulder joint, like it was on fire. Of course my first thought was uh oh, this is it; arthritic pains are now coming to join all the rest of my health issues. But then I remembered how a few months ago I had fallen down a couple of steps in the kitchen and slammed my shoulder against the banister – and afterwards, it didn’t seem level like the other shoulder. Bf this morning pointed out to me that it seems to stick more forward than the other… so I started thinking shit, maybe it’s my shoulder trying to right itself somehow? Hrm.

In any case, it was really bad. Fiery burning pain ugh… made me sick to my stomach. It fucked me up so royally in fact, that I skipped my fasting for the second day in a row. Not good! Then again, they do say doing it 3-4 times a week is suffice and that if you do it every day you can encourage your body to store fat? Yeesh. That would definitely be detrimental to my cause. I hope it isn’t true. But I was just SO tired and miserable when I got up, and I had to work so… I was like screw it, I’m going to have some of the tasty leftover beefaroni bf made the night before, and it’ll perk me up. Stress eating but whatevz. I worked a couple of hours earlier than usual too, because I wanted to just get it over with. Was SO happy when my shift was over, omg.

Bf and I are speaking again. Of course it had to happen sometime. It didn’t go the way I’d hoped but, nothing really ever does anymore anyway. We just talked things out a lot Thursday night but, mostly it was just to get the ball rolling again, aka our communication. I didn’t really put a lot of stock into what he said and he certainly didn’t make promises to change or what have you. On the contrary, he seemed more and more accepting of the idea of me leaving and finding someone better. Not out of bitterness but, more out of resignation. He still maintains that he shouldn’t have to change a thing for any relationship and that if that’s how I feel, I really would be better off with someone else. But with these things left unresolved as always, we just eventually stopped arguing and fighting and started hanging out again. I think that night we watched a movie and had supper and tea etc.

Friday I was gone to my parents’ of course, after Besty took me to counseling – which also went okay. My counselor really feels for me, with all of my loneliness and whatnot. But I’m starting to find fault with her again because she talks too much!!! I want to go there and unload my mind and heart and soul but, oftentimes she is so caught up, animatedly responding to something I’ve said and relating it back to her life. I think she’s a lovely woman and very kind but… seriously, I’m the one there who needs to unload!!! Ugh. I hope it’s better next time.

Friday with my parents was so nice…
When they’re getting along and there’s no sour, dark atmosphere, it really is my idea of heaven. Sometimes when we’re just all sitting there watching a movie together, having a delicious supper and enjoying one another’s company, I seriously do think that I could die COMPLETELY happy, right then and there. I never, ever feel so content and at peace than when I’m with them. I’m scared to death for when they start getting old and… falling apart. I hate saying it like that but, it’s true. For now they are still both strong people who live very independently and do so much to help out us kids. One day though, I’m terrified it’ll change so drastically and we’ll have to be taking care of them. I would do so with ALL of my heart of course, but I’m just scared of losing my beautiful piece of heaven is what I mean.

I think my mom even commented on how relaxed I am when I go there too because that Friday night, I fell asleep so easily, with my face and muscles all slack and limp and let out this HUGE snore while they were watching their movie lol! That kind of relaxation and deep sleep never happens to me here. I wish it would. But yeah it was just so nice. I bought dinner for the three of us – KFC since it was my junk out day lol – and I also made a Chinese dessert, almond jelly drizzled with sweet condensed milk, which is a dish my father LOVES. I made everyone a bowl, even my sister and her husband upstairs. The next morning was also nice and cozy because my sister came down to have coffee with us and we all sat around, hanging out together still in our jammies and robes as though it were Christmas morning all over again. But eventually I got dressed and went out to the mall with mom. She was in a good mood like I said, and whenever that’s the case, we have a really jolly time together and crack jokes and stuff. Stopped at Walmart too and also the library to take out books. It was pretty nice 🙂

Bf came to get me shortly afterwards and he and I also had a nice enough evening – though as I’ve said, I can never fully relax and enjoy myself because I’m always worrying about when the next huge blow-out will be. But that night was nice because he cooked us the beefaroni with healthy “keto” friendly ingredients, and we had drinks and watched a movie. I worked on my crochet before bed while watching him play Subnautica.

Well, that brings us to today, which I already said was a very tiring day. We did go out together briefly, to drop off some of my clothes I have to donate and some junk we had lying around – which I tried to sell first but couldn’t. It was nice enough I suppose and we even held hands walking out to the parking lot. He was dressed nice for once in a way; the nice thick, dark sweater I bought him, dark pants and his hair was trimmed neatly and his face pale, eyes so blue and penetrating. Sometimes when we’re getting along, it’s rather nice to just hold his hand and stare at him. I have that much affection for him at least, even if it’s only sometimes.

Back at home we even had lunch together which NEVER happens; we had stopped at the grocery store and I got a chicken sandwich from the hot food counter and some sweet potato fries – of which he wound up eating most of them! He also ate the remainder of the beefaroni from last night while we finished up ‘The Dark Knight’. After that, I got to work slicing and dicing everything to toss into the pressure cooker to make a beef stew. It was my first real beef stew and damn, it turned out amazing!!! I’m looking forward to eating it tomorrow night with a nice slice of buttered toast for dipping, yum. Nice healthy home-cooked stuff, you see? Whenever I can hack it. Later in the week I plan to roast some chicken again with some roasted sweet potatoes with garlic and parmesan. My sister is teaching me some of her easy recipes that she uses for when she’s really busy during the week. Granted, I’ve been a huge chef myself for so many years but, the reason I’m using more of her recipes is because mine all involve a lot of spice or pepper because my palate and preferences just gear towards that. But now that my poor stomach is busted, I gotta be careful with the spices and whatnot.

I very kindly took the time to make bf some keto fried chicken fingers- which is basically just rolling the chicken pieces in egg batter and crushed pork rinds instead of flour. They turn out really, really tasty actually, because of the nice brown, roasted taste of the crushed rinds and the saltiness of them too. Then, I washed up the dishes and tidied everything up for the night. All I really wanted to do was write this and then read some of one of my books before bed. Only now I feel soooo sleepy, jeez. Maybe I better just skip the reading tonight and get some shut-eye.

Tomorrow I’m up and on the treadmill; back to the routine and hopefully incorporating more jogging than walking. I’m managing to do two intervals of jogging every morning, even if they are just for two minutes. Obviously my goal is to eventually be jogging for the entire workout, 20-30 minutes. That’d be awesome. Still no change in my body habitus of course, and I still loathe seeing all the fat rolls down my sides and back sigh. But it’s still only the second week. I wonder if I should take some Before pictures actually, and see if there’s any change at all by perhaps March…. that might be encouraging! I’m back to my fast as well, so… noontime I’ll be toasting some of the nice rye bread I got and putting together a yummy salami sandwich with a bit of mayo and mustard. Can’t wait lol Not sure what the rest of the day will be like… I’m sure I should venture out of the apartment for a walk, but it’s always a question of where to go and how to motivate myself!

I guess that’s a good place to close on this note, because I wanted to mention that I’ve been joining tons of groups online and on FB looking for friendship and companionship. It is my hope to meet even ONE person this year and hang out with them and try to form a good friendship. Hopefully someone will start talking to me soon and I can make plans to go meet them for a coffee maybe.

Ugh okay I think I had more I wanted to get off my chest but my eyelids feel so heavy. Time for sleep zzz

How much longer…

Got up today, got on the treadmill, got work done. Had a bit to eat once I broke my fast.

Now I’m just sitting here in bed again because I’m freezing and I don’t know what to do with myself. If I had someone here, who loved and cared about me and whose company I also loved, I’d definitely be hanging out with them. Perhaps I’d feel happy enough to even get up, bundle into my hat and coat and head out somewhere, for coffee or dinner or a walk around the mall.
Company would be nice but, my life has become so specific to my particular needs and demands that… it’s so hard to come by anymore. Whatever company I find has to be okay with someone tragic and depressing all the time. They also have to be available when I FEEL like going out, because if we make plans ahead of time, chances are I’ll get a panic attack the day off, and not be able to come – so it’s usually when I feel okay and like I need to get out for a bit that I wish I had friends.

I tried to take a gander at the activities that happen around the city but, the ones that I liked are summer classes; stuff like swimming, hiking or boating. The winter ones… nah. I’m not into yoga classes or boot camps or stuff like that. I’d love to just find people who want to quietly get together, talk about their lives or relationships over a cup of coffee, or even over a game of Scrabble or something. I want it to be low key, low pressure, and people in my age group, people in my economy and education group for crying out loud.

See what I mean about particular? I can just never seem to find anything or anyone right for me. Something always goes wrong. And yes, I’ve for years done that whole ‘pretend’ thing, just for the sake of having and keeping friends. I’ve pretended to be more religious than I really am. I’ve pretended to be into certain movie or music genres, or social statuses. I’ve completely faked myself just so that I’d have people to talk to and that didn’t work.
Then being myself in all honesty didn’t work either.

It’s like that quote from the Simpsons where poor Lisa just can’t find anyone either:

“Being myself didn’t work.
Being someone else didn’t work.
Maybe I’m just not meant to have friends…”

Same here, Lisa. Same here.

Anyway, things are worse between bf and I. I realize he attempted to small talk to me yesterday and I completely shut him down – but that’s because I refuse to let this issue go. Honestly, it’s a big one for me and I don’t even see how I’d be able to get past it, even if he did come and apologize. Probably I wouldn’t believe him and I’d always see him differently now.

So yeah, the silence lengthens and continues and it’s mostly my doing, because I simply don’t know how to engage him. I was reading on someone else’s profile too that one can easily become lost in this “ghosting” behavior and not even know how to come back out of it again. I think that’s what’s happening here.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m desperate for him to do something to help pull me back. I feel like I’d even be grateful for it.

But even here, there are particulars which I’ve already gotten into, like how he has to apologize and explain that he didn’t mean what he said and doesn’t believe that about me at all. If he just comes and talks to me about other matters… no. I won’t have that. It isn’t fair that he should get to let all this go when I’m still hurting and reeling from it. He can’t just sit by and do nothing.
Well I guess he can… but at least spare me the small talk if that’s going to be his choice.

I was thinking a while ago that it would actually be really great if he surprised me when he gets home and actually comes to face me about what happened. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath, waiting for him to do it. I certainly COULD try… I suppose. I could just be waiting downstairs when he comes home for a change, instead of hiding up here. When he says his customary hello, I could just say it outright; ask if he’s ready to finally discuss what’s happened.

I know what he’ll say though!
He will say, Nothing’s happened; you’re upset, I’m not, why can’t we just move on?
That in itself is enough to incense me so much that it could start another fight.

So it’s probably easy to see why I feel safer right now avoiding him.
Safer doesn’t mean I’m not sad and broken though. I’m terribly lonely, and last night I was plagued with dreams of him coming into the room and even getting into the bed with me to hold me.

It’s fucking ridiculous though. Really it is, if I look at it from a logical point of view. I have friends who’ve gone almost a decade without a man or a woman. They haven’t even dated or kissed or held hands with anyone. I don’t see them crying and messaging me about how lonesome they are, how much they want someone in their life.
Meanwhile, it’s barely been a few days for me and I’m dreaming about that shit as though I’ve been dying of loneliness for centuries!

I really am pathetic; I must become stronger somehow and just learn to do my own thing and be okay with that! God knows I’m alone a lot of the time anyway, even when he and I aren’t fighting. I don’t know why this is always so horrible and painful for me to deal with.

The worst part is the hormones, omg. A mere few days of going without, and suddenly all I can think about is sex. I imagine all the time how great the sex would be if only bf would come to me, apologize and pull me near. There’s a reason people rave about make-up sex, and all the rumors are true. He and I rarely get that though, because he just chickens out and stays away from me. Sure, he’s not afraid to ask me if I’ve had dinner or if I need water in the kettle for tea – but he won’t come and make sure I’m okay. He won’t come to hold me and check on me. He says that stuff is “infantile nonsense”.

Sigh….

Anyway, it’s 4pm now and I’m starting to feel hungry… Really I should think about heading out soon to get something to eat. I could always come back and snooze in the bed with the kitties and read.

The last few days he’s come up to say hi and try to small talk me. I don’t know if he’ll do it again today because I actually sent him another nasty text last night saying how much I loathe him for doing that to me, instead of being responsible enough to approach me about the issue at hand. I’m sure that did NOTHING to endear him to me; probably it enraged him. But whatever. I did it and I can’t take it back. Now he probably will just ignore me completely altogether, as I have been doing to him.
If that’s the case then, I need only do what I have been doing… which is to say, whatever I can find to distract myself. There isn’t much but… if I can hold out for just this last evening, tomorrow morning I’ll be busy packing and going to counseling and then my parents will pick me up. I’ll be home free for a night and two days. From there, I guess I’ll see if it keeps going or if he actually comes to talk to me.

Oh, also I was dicking around on a dating site – again. I have this stupid habit of joining every time it seems bf and I are just broken up beyond repair. But it makes me even sicker to my stomach, sifting through all of these men. Men who have all these other bad traits and issues and problems I don’t know about yet. Maybe some of them would be far worse than bf, would beat me senseless with a broomstick or would cheat on me left right and center. I never was so gun shy of men, and would often get out and date a few at a time whenever I was going through a breakup. It really does help distract from the painful loneliness and reminds you that you’re still attractive and alive. But at this age… things are different and a lot harder to contend with.
For one thing, most of the men at this age have been married already and have children.
I want nothing to do with a guy who has kids. That’s a personal preference of mine, but it’s hard since… like I said, most people have been married already and had children.

For another, men at this age are definitely set in their ways. This one I learned from current bf and learned it the hard way. If I intend to date someone else, I damn well better be sure we click and like all the same stuff from day one… or I know it won’t work and I won’t be able to make any compromises with someone who’s rigid as a metal rod in his beliefs and mannerisms.

I got scared and felt my stomach drop earlier, thinking what if I came across bf’s profile on the website. It has happened before and I can’t even blame him because look at the sorry state of things between us!? How can I blame him for not thinking he should just give up on me and find someone else? Still, it never fails to cause me pain, thinking that the person I’ve done so much for and invested so much in, is just looking for someone else. It’s different if he finds MY profile because I was always honest about keeping it open since he himself used to tell me that he isn’t the right guy for me and I’d be better suited with someone else – and that he would never stand in my way if I found happiness with someone else.
Yes, he means that stuff; as I’ve said before, he doesn’t believe in “jealousy” or owning people.

I haven’t seen his profile yet though; kind of makes me wonder if he really does mean it when he says it’s me or no one for him. I guess he doesn’t have confidence that he would be good with any woman… me on the other hand, I’ve always been a big hit with most to all of the men I’ve dated. I can’t understand why it always turns so sour 😦
Wish I could just find the right man, jeez… someone to actually love me and be into me and STICK by me…

Moping

God it’s like an icebox in my bedroom. Just turned on the heater so I can be cozy…hopefully soon.

Sigh, so I took off work today. Don’t even know why…
Just depressed and sad I guess. Not to mention lost. I had plans to go out with Besty and between having to work and then rush to get ready and be stressed out while I’m out with him, worrying that I need to get back and finish my shift… I just didn’t feel like it.
I guess it’s one of the ‘perks’ of working independently. I mean, I can’t take off work ALL the time whenever I feel like it but, once in awhile it should be fine. Dealing with this situation with bf just takes it out of me and I know it sounds weird but, I need the time to just sit and mope about it because I’m so confused and have no idea what to do anymore. I suppose I could have done my shift by now and still gone out with Besty though. Like I said, I just didn’t feel like doing the rush-around…

I know it sounds silly for me to be avoiding bf so vehemently but, I’m really just not ready to face him after the big fight we had. I’m ashamed of a lot of what I said to him, and I did say I will apologize eventually when the moment is right. But for now, I’m still angry about a lot of things HE said too, not to mention hurt. I know he’s going to want to come home and talk to me at some point. I know him and he just can’t wait for things to go back to normal, so he usually does normal things like, he’ll go to the store and pick me up some fruit that I like or a coconut water, as though everything is okay with us you know? Or he’ll walk right upstairs to say hi to me and ask if I’ve eaten anything yet. The thing that annoys me most is the way he won’t say what he SHOULD say; like, “Hey… do you want to sit and talk now about what happened between us?”
For someone always lecturing me to be direct, he sure beats around the bush a lot and avoids conflict wherever possible.

But as I said, I don’t feel ready to engage him and I don’t even know how I feel or what to say with regards to our relationship. I get flashes throughout the day of just wanting things to be normal again, so that we can cuddle up in bed or just sit and have dinner without stress and watch a show. But then I think, going back to normal won’t change anything for the better – it NEVER does. He’s still going to be his usual, selfish self, telling me how I never earned respect from him and how he shouldn’t have to buy me anything for Christmas if he doesn’t want to, that I don’t deserve him to spend money on me etc.
Just awful things.
I said equally awful if not worse things to him that night; but still. This is what I mean. Do I really want to apologize just to have things go back to normal? It is not going to solve anything.

Part of me wishes he’d come try to talk to me… but like I said, he never wants to put in the effort to do what’s necessary for the relationship. He will never change or compromise and so I don’t even see why he always wants things to just be normal again between us.
Well actually, I guess that IS why, because he just lives the way he wants, does as he pleases, never listens to me or thinks he should change anything for the sake of the relationship.

I guess if you look at it that way, it really is better if I just go on avoiding him. Problem is, it’s so much easier said than done. Last night I was lying in bed as early as 10 o’clock, and didn’t get out of bed until 10am!! Way too much lying around when what I really wanted to do was be downstairs gaming before bed like I usually do. Everyone would say to me, dude you live there too, just go down and game and ignore him if he talks to you.
Again: Easier said than done.

I definitely don’t want to be stuck up here all evening again; I chose that however because it was the only place I could go to avoid him completely. He will NEVER come up here unless absolutely necessary, whereas if I’m downstairs in the common area, he comes down every half hour or so. Sigh.

I’m tired right now, and cold, and my stomach is acting up a little bit – plus I wanted to write, so that’s why I’m in the bed and probably going to just curl up here for awhile. But at some point I do want to go down and not stay here. I’ll just have to get up the nerve and somehow harden myself to him, so if he does talk to me I can just coldly brush him off.
The only way I’ll respond appropriately is if he approaches me in seriousness about what happened the other night. That’s not likely to happen though.

Jesus Christ, he actually just came up and shocked me. What the fuck is he doing home so early? Sigh. I had hoped for more time to plan… to prepare at least. Now my stomach is really doing flip-flops. I don’t know what to say or react. He came up and said hi and played with the cats at the foot of the bed for a few minutes. Sigh.

This morning I skipped my treadmill routine, which I probably shouldn’t have. Once you fall off the wagon it’s so easy to stay there, you know? I then took the day off and went out with Besty for a couple of hours. We didn’t do much. Stopped into a couple of stores, looked around. We went for lunch at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant but… unfortunately I wasn’t even hungry; neither was he. It was almost comical to see how much food remained on the table when we were done; I’m sure the waitress wondered about it. Then I just came home. The whole visit seemed fast and empty, really. Oh well. He was being really obnoxious anyway, doing that thing where he cuts me off every time I try to speak and then nit-picking everything I say, trying to one-up me…even over small things like me saying there’s coconut milk in the curry that he likes, and him swearing that there isn’t – despite the fact that I cook curry all the fucking time and know what I’m talking about. He even annoyingly started singing the dumb Slinky song in the store because we saw some on the shelf. I completely ignored him in embarrassment, because people were standing there while he went through the ENTIRE song. Like he couldn’t just sing a bit of it and then giggle, as a joke. He HAD to sing the whole thing. After which point, I just talked on like nothing had happened because I was so embarrassed, but then he had the gall to say, “You didn’t sing the Slinky song with me!” That was after I tried to divert the topic you know? I swear, he KNOWS when he’s doing stupid shit and he wants me to join in? Fuck’s sake.

So yeah again it ended with me coming back to my apartment and getting one of those flashes where I wished things could just be normal. Like bf no doubt wishes. But it just can’t be. Ever. Even if things go back to normal it’ll just be more fights again at some point. I just can’t take it anymore.

He left a few minutes ago btw; he asked me, like everything was fucking okay, “Did you eat yet? Are you just going to eat leftovers or do you want me to make something?”

I didn’t respond for a minute and then I said, “I don’t feel like talking to you”. He just said okay and left. Yes I fucking feel bad about that okay; I do. I know he was trying to be civil, but what about our fight? I know my sister says all the time to just leave it be, and that things don’t always need to be discussed after they happen. But I disagree. He said things that completely changed the way I see him. I’m sure he doesn’t care either. I almost wanted to pipe up and shout them to him now, and ask how he can dare to act so casually after saying them to me. And after the things I said to HIM, jeez, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d come and said the same thing to me, that he can’t forgive me for the things I said.

I just… I can’t deal with this. I literally don’t know what to do and that’s why I end up lying here in bed like a slug. My mind feels like it’s going to shatter with all of this confusion. My stomach is also hurting; fuck. I’ll need to go downstairs and get my pills from off the table and take one. This is just terrible.

Now that I told him I don’t feel like talking to him, I wonder what he’ll do. I’m sure he will just leave me alone for the rest of the night and avoid me like I’m avoiding him. But what about tomorrow or the day after? How long until he actually wants to talk to me and insists upon it? Will I at any point get a chance to tell him that if he wants to talk to me he could try addressing the situation at hand?

No; I know that’ll never come up because he’ll say what he always does. “What situation?” He literally says that. He believes – or feigns – there is no problem, that we had a fight and it’s over and he’s moving on. I truly wonder what he’d do if I had the power to pack my bags, take my cat and just leave. THEN I bet he’d want to address the situation he claims doesn’t exist! THEN he’d be messaging me asking why I’m leaving and why we can’t try to work things out.

God I’m so exhausted by this and I just want to cry. I want to cry, scream, sleep all at the same time. I’m glad I did get some gaming in, before coming up here. How awkward that would have been for him to come walking through the door while I was playing. I hate being caught offguard. At least up here I was busy doing something, this blog. Someone coming across you gaming would just think hey, she’s funning around, everything’s okay again. At least I’m up here, cloistered, so I can just rest and wait until I feel ready to go down.

Shit, but I do have to at least go get my stomach pill.

Well… tomorrow I”ll be back to work, but Thursday is kinda my Friday anyway. So I’ll be back on the treadmill in the morning and then work as usual. For now I’ll just… relax. I do feel drowsy, maybe even because of my stomachache. I’ll lie here and think about what my next move should be.

I still wonder why someone who tells me all the time he has no respect for me, would come up here and ask me about fucking dinner. Like why? I just don’t get him at all.